Star Wars, Nothing But Star Wars

I don't want to spoil it for those who haven't seen the movie, but there's a scene in Revenge of the Sith where Mace Windu's uplifting speech to the Jedi Council is interrupted when he is eaten by a shark.

I'm sorry. It's been six years now and I still can't forgive that movie. They made the sharks' brains larger and as a "side effect," they got smarter. That's not a side effect, that's a direct effect! It's like, "Hey this is weird, we made the sharks' bladders bigger and as a side effect, they don't have to pee as much!" What was the point of making their brains bigger, anyway? Morons.

I went with Michele to see Episode III last night. I bought the tickets online a few days ago, so all I had to do was flash my ATM card at the ticket counter and she handed me my tickets. That was the first time I'd purchased tickets that way. It was a little weird, because I didn't even tell her what movie or what time, or even how many tickets. The computer just...knew. Eerie. Anyway, Michele went into the theater to get seats while I stood in line at the concession stand, where the following exchange toook place:

"Hi. I'd like a medium white cherry slushy thing."

"We only have small and large. The other machine is broken."

"Oh...I guess I'll have a large, then."

I still have no idea what that could have possibly meant. Medium's not a flavor, it's a size. Was that guy the dumbest person on the planet, or the smartest? Think about it. I was so confused by what he said that he got me to upgrade to a large, even though I saw a stack of medium-sized cups over by the nachos (movie nachos...now with "real" cheese.)

I got my large Slushee and found Michele in the theater. There were still over twenty minutes until the movie started, which seemed like hours since there was only half a dozen of those Moviewatcher Network slides that kept cycling through over and over again. Leonardo DiCaprio's high school year book picture is now burned into my retinas. After the slides came the Pre-Show Countdown, which had a featurette about Cinderella Man. When Ron Howard appeared on screen the guys behind us screamed. "Gaaah!" It was priceless. Ron Howard is great, but he actually looks older than Tom Bosley now. And because of his excessive cap-wearing, his face from the nose down was pink and pale white from the nose up. "Gaaah!"

After a few previews, (Does anyone else think Stealth looks like an evil version of Flight of the Navigator? Just throwing it out there.) that familiar green Lucasfilm logo flashed on the screen. It was time for the show. The movie really is much better than the first two prequels (I know that's not saying much). But it does still suffer from some of the lingering effects of them. For instance, at the beginning of the movie, Anikin, Obi-Wan and R2D2 are fighting some battle droids. These things are supposed to be the cold, emotionless enemy. They should be frightening, but they're basically only there for comic relief. And they have ridiculous voices! Whoever did the voice casting for this movie should be, I don't know, told they're not very good at their job. That'd show them.

The worst is General Grievous' voice. Remember Boss Nass from Phantom Menace? That's pretty much what Grievous sounds like. It's a shame, because he's an otherwise cool bad guy. But at any given moment you're half-expecting him to call a truce and say "Maybe weesa beein friends," or maybe, "I am the bounty of Stop & Shop."

Maybe I'm just complaining because I've always really liked robots and it was a little insulting to give them idiotic voices and turn them into the bionic Keystone Kops. That being said, there was some funny moments in the opening there, even though I still say they were unnecessary. And after those scenes the rest of the movie really takes off. Keep an eye out for the Millenium Falcon after the rescue scene. I won't say too much more about it as far as plot, because I don't want to ruin the movie. That doesn't really leave me with too much to talk about, though.

I like the movie. I'm even seeing it again tonight. But there are still some kinks to work out. Most of them have to do with continuity. The technology in the prequels is cool, but a lot of it doesn't really make sense because these movies are supposed to take place before the original trilogy. When Padme is giving birth (you didn't hear it from me, but she has twins) there's a couple of hovering droids acting as midwives. That reminds me, did you hear about the time Elmer Fudd panicked when he was asked to help deliver a baby? He had a midwife crisis. Sorry. Anyway, the droids looked light-years more advanced then that greenish-blue medic droid with the old timey microphone for a mouth that gave Luke his new hand in Empire. The droids in the prequels should have looked more like the obsolete ones that were in the Jawa Sandcrawler or the scrap heap in Jabba's palace. I mean, R2D2 can fly in these movies! He does it again in this one, and nothing happens during the course of the movies to change that. You know, like if his rocket pack got damaged in battle or if he had to sell it on the black market to pay off 3P0's debts to Lou Bacca the Bookie. Oh yeah, most people don't know this, but 3P0 has a gambling problem. He acts all proper, but when no one's looking, he's down at the track or putting money on bare knuckle unlicensed boxing matches. But nothing like that happens. At the end of the movie, he still has the ability to fly. Maybe later on he forgets he could do that. Or maybe it works like Roger Rabbit.

Luke: Wait a second. Are you telling me that you could just fly out of here at any time?

R2D2: Beep boop beep boop beep

C3P0: R2 says, "Not just any time, only when it was funny."

When the clone troopers are on the Wookiee planet Kashyyyk, they are cleverly decked out in camouflage. While they look cool and it makes every bit of sense to dress in camouflage while you're stationed in the jungle, it doesn't make sense in this movie because later on in Return of the Jedi all the Stormtroopers are wearing bright white. That's sort of a step backwards, isn't it?

"Hey guys, instead of wearing these silly green and brown suits that perfectly blend in with the surroundings, let's all wear blinding bright white suits!"

"Great idea! That way, we'd be able to see each other a mile away! You're a genious!"

"Well, we're all clones, so technically, so are you!"

People wonder how the Empire could have been defeated by a bunch of ewoks. That's how. While we're on the subject, I've got to go on record as an ewok supporter. Return of the Jedi will always be my favorite Star Wars movie because it's the first one I ever saw in the theater. I grew up with that movie and I never knew the little guys were so reviled until the special editions of the original trilogy came out. I always liked the fact that these primitive little creatures were able to defeat the high-tech gadgets of the Empire. And even if they were only created to be marketed to kids, those two TV Ewok movies with Drew Barrymore were DARK. Or at least the second one was. A whole bunch of ewoks die in the first one, and the second one starts with the little girl's brother and parents getting killed. I haven't seen them in ages, but if I remember, the brother was a main character in the first one, so for him to just die in the next one was pretty shocking for kiddie fare. They could get away with a lot more in kids' movies back then. I wonder if The Secret of NIHM would still get a G rating if it came out today. I think the general feeling was that as long as the main characters where cute and fuzzy, it didn't matter how dark the subject matter was. Have you ever seen Watership Down? Holy crap!

During that fight on Kashyyyk, we finally get to see Chewbacca. It was great to see him up on the screen again, but it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the trilogy either. In this movie, Chewie is in the Wookiee army. I don't remember if they gave his rank, but it was pretty clear that he wasn't just some grunt. He was definitely one of the higher-ups. Yoda even knew who he was. The problem with that is, when we see him again in A New Hope he's basically just Han Solo's sidekick. How did he go from being a major player in his planet's battle during the Clone Wars to playing second fiddle to a spice smuggler with seemingly no political affiliation? Maybe we'd know if we spoke Wookiee...

Two of the more questionable plot points from Phantom Menace are used together in this movie in a way that actually makes sense. I won't say what they are, but if you paid attention, at one point you'll sit back in you're chair and go, "Oh, that's what that's all about." I promise there really is a part of the movie like that, and this isn't some lame "riddle" like what are the three words that end in "gry."

Overall, the movie was great, especially the last half hour or so. It ends with a couple of familiar scenes and I left the theater feeling pretty good. But I still don't think it made any sense that Yoda and Obi-Wan decide to hide Luke on Tatooine, Anakin's homeworld. With his mother's family, no less. Worst. Hiding place. Ever!