Saturday, October 30, 2004

I Will Call You Betty

My grandfather built my parents' house in 1977, and they moved in that November. Their neighbor was an old man named Buster. The following summer, Buster went on vacation. Except he never went. The paper boy found him. He had been dead a few days.

When the new owners, the Howleys, found out that someone died there, Mrs. Howley had a priest bless the house. The Howleys and my parents got along when I was a kid, but then something happened. I don't know what, exactly. I think it has something to do with a crab apple tree and/or their cat. Regardless of the reason, the Howleys disdain for my family grew so large that they eventually built a house in their back yard and moved into it. The Howleys' old house was vacant for a few months, until one day during the summer between sixth and seventh grade, we saw a moving truck pull in. My neighbor Jen and I saw some kids in the driveway, and hoped maybe someone our age was moving in. But it didn't look like it, just a baby and a kid who couldn't be older than seven. He came over and introduced himself. His name was Al. He was twelve, same as us.

We started to hang out a lot. He had a golden retriever named Betty and a two year old sister that liked to run around without a shirt. At least once a day Natalie would say "Look!" and pull her shirt up (foreshadowing a career in Girls Gone Wild videos perhaps?) He had a big screen TV in his basement. We used to play Nintendo games down there. Duck Hunt is much easier on a giant TV. The house had a free-standing garage with it's own attic, and we found old newspapers and WWII army rations up there. Another time we went down to the river and followed it as far as we could in both directions. Turned out there was a big tree trunk bridge at one point, and towards the opposite end, we found a gravestone from the 1800s. Al was cool.

When school started that fall, he fit in surprisingly well. All the girls loved Al, all four feet, two inches of him. Maybe he evoked some kind of maternal instinct in them or something. Normally, it's hard to start off at a new school where you don't know anybody, but seventh grade was the first year that kids from different parts of town were together in one school. So nobody knew anybody else, really. It wasn't new to him; he'd been on the move his whole life. His father was in the military. I think he was in the military. Actually, I think it was his step-dad. Anyway, they moved around alot.

I was having a harder time adjusting. Sixth grade had been probably the best year of my life, and then all of the sudden I was in a new school and instead of the same group of people I'd known since kindergarten, there were all these...new people. They actually intentionally set up the homerooms so that there were only a few kids from each elementary school in each one. I guess the idea was to help the kids make new friends. But I already had friends, dammit, I didn't know any of these people!

Each homeroom elected a class president, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Four people ran in our homeroom, including Al. It ended with a three-way tie for first place. I wasn't one of those three people.

The year just kept getting worse. My dad got laid off that year. I never saw my old friends and I hadn't made any new ones. Then, just before Halloween, our dog Toby had a stroke and had to be put to sleep.

Toby


My parents deny it now, but at the time they said my cooking killed her. I was always critical of my mom's "cooking," so one night she suggested that I make dinner. I made some eggs. They were pretty bad, and they went where all bad food goes; into the dog's dish. The next day she had a stroke. Of course, it wasn't the eggs. If anything, it was the new flea spray that my dad drenched her new bed in, or the fact that she was pushing 300 in dog years and blind in one eye. My mom didn't really like the dog because she always threw up on the carpet. Um, the dog, not my mom. Not to mention what else she left on the carpet. But it didn't make it any less sad. She was part of the family. I didn't go to school the next day. When I did go back, the kids I sat with at lunch moved their seats. All of them. The went somewhere else. Bastards. I sat down, helpless and alone.

I was a broken man. Then, defying all logic, a hot girl, flanked by two girls of equal or lesser beauty whose names weren’t important enough for me to remember, came over to my table. They asked why I was sitting by myself, so told them about how my dad lost his job, that I hated school, how my dog just died and the assholes I usually sit with left. She asked if she and her friends could sit with me. Hold on, what? Maybe things weren't so bad after all.

Six seconds later, Al showed up. I didn't even know he had lunch the same time as me. I never saw him there before.

"Hey, John, what's up?"

The beautiful girls turned and looked at Al.

"You know him?"

Sure, he lives next door. We hang out all the time." He said.

"Really? That is so sweet of you!"

And just like that, all three of them...all three of them went off with him. Amazing. He could have stayed and the five of us could've talked. He could have at least left one of them with me. I just sat there until the bell rang trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

One day a girl called my house asking for Al. I put her on hold and went next door and told him he had a phone call.

"Thanks, Bob (his step-dad) won't let me use the phone, so I told her to call your house. Is it alright if I take this in here?"

A year later, Mrs. Howley got drunk and decided to kick Al's family out. So they packed up and moved again, this time to Brookline, MA. I haven't seen Al since then, although I could have sworn I saw him at Quincy Market once, but I'll always remember the tiny kid with the inexplicable hold over women.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Holy Crap!

This morning I passed by Sacred Heart church in Quincy and either Johnny Damon was standing in the garden or someone put a Red Sox jersey on the Jesus statue. Normally, I would have thought that was strange, but not after the past week and a half.

In case you were trapped in a mine shaft for the past two weeks, let me recap for you: The Boston Red Sox won the World Series. They not only won, they swept the team with the best record in baseball. Oh yeah, and they came back from a 0-3 deficit in a best-of-seven series against the Yankees, becoming not only the first baseball team to win a seven game series after being down 3-0, but the first team to win eight consecutive playoff games.

Also, the Olympia Sports commercial where Manny starts daydreaming about being named World Series MVP actually happened. "Yeah, sactly."

So for the first time in 86 years, the Red Sox are World Champions. No more 1918 chants. No more ridiculous curse talk. It still feels kind of weird.

But once the celebrations die down...if they die down...it'll be time to start talking about the inevitable movie. I haven't got it all worked out yet, but how about these?

Curt Schilling Pedro Derek Lowe Kevin Millar Mark Bellhorn Orlando Cabrera Bill Mueller Trot Nixon Johnny Damon David Ortiz Pokey Reese Doug Mnkwjmlnz

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

I Am Not A Crook

I went to the pizza place down the street for lunch. I had no cash on me, so I hit the ATM first and took out $40. Then I went in and ordered a couple of slices, which came to $3. When I got back to the office, I noticed they only gave me $7 back. So I went back and told the guy he owes me ten dollars. He immediately said that I gave him $10, not twenty. He was "more than 100% sure," he said.

He asked if I was sure I gave him a twenty. And while I didn't actually look at it, I only had two bills on me, which came from the ATM. The ATM, like 99% of the ATMs around here, only dispense in multiples of twenty. I had a reciept showing I took out $40. So unless the ATM somehow got a ten stuck in their with all those twenties, I gave him a twenty.

He did finally give it to me, but really fought me on it and made me feel like I was ripping him off. An interesting thing to point out...he counted the money in the register and compared it to all the orders from the day and it came up eight dollars off. That means they made more than one mistake today.

I've gone there before and never had any problems. Maybe he was up late last night watching the 9 hour Sox game.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

The Elephant in the Room

We never talk about it. We dance around it. We avoid any mention of it. We have an unspoken agreement to take precautions so it never becomes an issue. I hide my Bushisms calander. When her parents were visiting, she asked them not to keep the TV on Fox News. I turn off the TV just before the Daily Show comes on. I've actually caught myself cutting off my grandmother before she could finish her critque of Bush. These are the little sacrifices you make in a bipartisan relationship.

It can be hard sometimes. But it beats talking about it. Way too many bad things could happen. Yes, like in some bad sitcom, I'm liberal and she's conservative. And the one thing I'm conservative on is the one thing she's liberal on. So we are basically complete opposites, at least politically. How wacky! Sometimes I do worry about that, but if we can survive this insane election year, then we can survive anything.

It does suck a little, though, because I don't really get to vent. I can't talk about any of the stuff that really bothers me about the world with her, not without the requisite groans and eye-rolling. But it's no big deal. Those conversations usually get redirected to Ryan or Jose, so I don't explode.

I'd never even think of mentioning Fox News around her. Fox News facinates me, actually. Aparently, it's broadcast from some parallel dimension where Saddam Hussein had a half-dozen or so nuclear weapons, which were given to him by Osama Bin Laden after they exchanged vows. I did try to watch once, but this really smug guy with no neck was gurgling about John Edwards and it made me want to throw bricks at the TV.

A few days ago I was flipping through the channels and caught a bit of Dennis Miller's show on CNBC. Or is it MSNBC? Anyway, he referred to John Kerry as "Lurch". Get it? I thought to myself, "That man is a comedy genious!" I'll bet in all the 20 years that Kerry's been in the Senate, no one ever thought to compare him to a character from an ancient sitcom. How fresh and original. Talent like his shouldn't be wasted on some rinky-dink cable network. He should be in a more excessable medium, like Monday Night Football. They could make him a color commentator or something. Seriously, I remember when Dennis Miller used to tell jokes instead of being one.

For some people, politics are the only thing worth talking about. I pity them. As for us, we've got like a billion other things to talk about at any given moment. And in a few more weeks, all this political nonsense will go away. Until the next elections, anyway.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Eminem Knows Joe?

First off, I should be in a brand new office right now. I should be sitting in a sun-drenched room in front of a desk I put together myself. Best of all, Joe would have been in another room.

Everything was set in place. My employers sold our office, which consists of two condos they've occupied for over 20 years, and bought a 4-floor place on a secluded street to escape the hassels of condo life and the monthly fire-alarm tests and plumbing problems that go with it.

We printed up postcards to send to all our clients to let them know we were moving. And, as if by some cosmic joke, a woman who recently started working for one of our vendors happened to live on the tiny street we were moving to. And she found fault with us moving in there, because the street is not zoned for business. My bosses said they did know that in advance, but didn't really see this as a problem, as we are not a typical "business." Four employees working on laptops, none of whom drive to work so we're not taking up parking spaces. We don't have people coming in and out all day; it's just the six of us, and we're gone by 5.

But this woman, who doesn't know anything about our business other than that we sent a postcard to her company, immediately called the head of the neighborhood association and had us blocked from moving in. My boss had tried to talk with the guy that runs the association, but he won't even listen. Total snob. This guy makes Judge Smails look like Judge Reinhold.

So for the past few weeks we've been in limbo. We were supposed to be out of here on Sept. 24. My boss got the new owners to agree to let us stay in one of the two condos for another few months while we look for a new place. which means my two bosses had to move their desks into our area.

They both have their radios on all day, and in one ear I have sports talk radio, and in the other I have todays top 40. Which brings me to my point. At least three times a day for the past couple of days, I've heard Eminem's new song. I have no idea what it's called or even how it goes, I just know several times during the course of the song, I can hear a noise I've become all too familiar with over the past few years. That's right, if I did't know any better I'd swear Eminem sampled Joe's infamous "Arrghurrrghrruagh"

Does Eminem know Joe?!