It's just not a wedding unless someone gets hit in the face. And boy was there a wedding on Saturday.
As you probably know by now, Nick and Hedie officially became Mr. and Mrs. Jones over the weekend. And if legend is to be believed, that means we all must now spend all of our time keeping up with them.
The rehearsal was at five o'clock on Friday, so I took the day off from work so I wouldn't miss it. The day started with a trip to Randolph to see Sin City in glorious digital...um...digital. The movie was great, especially Mickey Rourke as Marv. On the other hand, it seemed like Michael Madson didn't read the script until the the car ride over to the set.
When we got back to Nick's house, Jose wanted to watch the news to see if the Pope was still alive, so we put on the news. It was really creepy. All the news channels had their cameras pointed at his two third story windows to see when the lights go out, which would signal his death. Everyone was hovering around waiting for him to die. It was like
Dick Clark's Rock'n Deathwatch. "The countdown will continue, right after a performance by Uncle Kracker and a word from our sponsor." Every ten minutes or so a reporter would say that it wouldn't be long, and after a while it almost seemed that they were annoyed that he hadn't died yet. The ticker crawling across the bottom of the screen said that 84 year old chicken tycoon Frank Perdue had died. I wondered if anyone had cameras outside his window, waiting to see when the lights go out.
Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather remember the man's accomplishments than watching him die on live TV. As five o'clock approached, we turned the ghoulish spectacle off and headed over to Saint Mary's in Quincy for the rehearsal.
As we were leaving Nick's house, a weird little boat-shaped car drove past us, coming from the dead end part of the street. Earlier,
WZLX mentioned something about an April Fool's parade with fake
Duck Tour cars; maybe that was one of them. Or maybe those two things are completely unrelated. Either way it wasn't something you see every day.
There's not really much to say about the reherseal, except that I would have liked to have done five or six more of them, because even after going through the whole ceremony twice, I still had no idea what I was supposed to do. The priest didn't quite grasp the concept of four "better men," so Jose stood at the alter while the rest of the better men served as ushers. I tried as hard as I could not to stare at Nick's two step sisters, who had apparently just gone "tanning" and were completely orange. They looked like Oompa Loompas. I'm never going to understand tanning. As far as I can tell, one day someone just decided that pale people aren't attractive and no one thought to question it, so they all sat out in the sun or under hot lamps until their skin CHANGED FREAKING COLOR and then wondered how they could have gotten skin cancer.
Anyway, the rehearsal dinner was back in Weymouth. There was talk of going back to Nick's to watch a movie afterwards, but I opted to go home so I could finish (or start, however you want to look at it) my speech for the reception. Before I left, Hedie handed out gift bags to everyone involved with the wedding. My bag had a picture frame and a silver mug with the words "Better man once, Best friend forever" on it. Aww. Luckily, I didn't get all weepy.
The Green Mile incident was bad enough. Damn you, Tom Hanks!
I was determined to write the toast as soon as I got home. So I was as shocked at anyone when I woke up the next morning to discover that I had still not even started it. In a way, it didn't really matter, because I knew what I wanted to say in my head. I didn't need to write it down. I've had, what, two years now to think of something. So even though I had a few hours in the morning, I figured I didn't need a piece of paper to tell me what to say. If I couldn't think of anything good to say up there after knowing the two of them for eight years, I didn't deserve to be there.
I ate lunch at my parent's house and got to Nick's place a little after one o'clock. Except Nick wasn't there. He called and said he was up the street with Jose and the others getting lunch. I sat in his parent's house with his father and Joe (not
that Joe, Nick's step-sister's boyfriend) watching
Face/Off. Around the time it was suggested that Archer switch faces with Castor Troy to get information from Pollox, I realized Nick still hadn't come back yet. I started to wonder if he had second thoughts and high tailed it to Canada. Wah-Kee can get in now. But they showed up a few minutes later. They were at Chili's.
Michele called while we were watching
Family Guy to say that the Pope died, and some other thing I can't remember. Nothing else seems as important when it's preceded by "the Pope died."
We watched a few more episodes, waiting for Chris to arrive with the limo. And by limo I mean his parents' Econo Van. In the meantime, we changed into our tuxes. I picked mine up on Thursday for the final fitting. It was pretty swank. It even came with socks. But the best part was the cane. We got canes! Freakin' sweet. With the tux and cane, all Jose needed was a monocle to look exactly like the Penguin.
They weren't just canes, they were "enforcement sticks," bestowed upon us ushers to administer out own brand of justice to anyone who stepped out of line during the ceremony. Talking during Mass? That's a caning. Nodding off during the prayers of the faithful. That's a caning. Staring at my cane? You better believe that's a caning.
We drove to Jose's place to pick up his cufflinks before making our way to the church. He got out and ran upstairs while we waited in the van. A few minutes later, he came back with an expletive-filled rant, but no cufflinks. His mother took them with her when she left. She got a ride from my parents, and we must have just missed them. We arrived at the church at the same time, he got his cufflinks and I seated my family. They were the first ones to arrive for the groom's side, but I didn't want to look like I was playing favorites, so I seated them seven or eight rows back. That came back to haunt me later when most of the guests had arrived and the first few rows on Nick's side were empty.
I did get nervous, walking people I'd never met down the isle, hoping that I put them in the right place. The grandmothers were supposed to be in the third row in, but I didn't know what they looked like and thought it might be a little rude to ask every elderly-looking woman who showed up if they were Nick's or Hedie's grandmother.
It was nice to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time, though. John from BJ's was there, as well as everyone from Best Buy. They're all cool people. I guess I don't know them as well as Nick; they're really only my friends by proxy. Nick knows tons of people of all ages and walks of life (actually, I'm not sure what a walk of life is, aside from a
Dire Straits song.) He's interesting that way. Sometimes he says things that might prompt a "Well, I
never!" or two, but he's always honest about what's on his mind, good or bad. It's kind of refreshing.
Even Jim Hamm was there. About three years ago, Jim was at a magic show at Foxwoods and the magician dragged him up on stage. He placed Jim in a box, spun it around, and with a large puff of smoke, he opened the box and Jim was gone. Three years later, the magician was sitting at home watching TV when a commercial for Honey Baked Ham came on and he sat up. "Holy crap, the kid in the box!" He ran down to his basement and opened the trap door to find Jim, who had managed to survive all this time by eating a stockpile of dead doves he found in the corner. Okay, none of that actually happened, but it's a lot less boring than saying we haven't seen Jim in three years.
The wedding started at 5:30, and the rain that had been coming down all morning had long since stopped. The officiating priest was Father Shecky of Our Lady of
Evening at the Improv. He started his sermon with a wedding joke, followed by assorted chuckles from the pews and seven or eight more wedding jokes. He stopped just shy of breaking into observational humor. "What's the deal with stained glass windows? Who buys something that already has stains on it?"
After they were pronounced man and wife and the ceremony was over, Nick, Hedie, Jose and Hedie's maid of honor Laura walked down the isle. I was in the front row with Wah-Kee and Chris, and as Nick walked by I handed him his cane. But Jose sort of has tunnel vision, so when I tried to hand him his, he just kept walking. I was practically waving it in his face and he didn't see it. Hedie asked everyone in the church to please remain for a few minutes while the photographer takes a group picture of all in attendence. The only way to get everyone was for him to go up on the balcony and have us look up at the camera. It looked like the ending of the
Muppet Movie, with everyone crowded together looking up at the sky. "Life's like a movie, write your own ending..."
We piled back into the van, this time with a few of the bridesmaids, and drove over to the reception hall. I went over the speech in my head on the way, just like Michael Madson frantically reading his lines for the first time minutes before shooting Sin City. I should say that he is normally an exquisite actor and should he ever read this, please don't tie me to a chair and cut off my ear. Thanks.
I forgot the name of the place, but I think it began with a "T." So for all intents and purposes, let's call it Tom's. Tom's Wedding Reception and Bar Mitzvah Emporium. When we got to Tom's, the better men and bridesmaids were brought into a separate room were countless pictures of us were taken in every combination imaginable. That was a little tedious, but on the plus side, we got our own tray of bruschetta, nasty little ham rollup things and crackers and cheese. When Wah-Kee heard the word "cheese" his eyes lit up like a kid's at Christmas.
I don't know the history of Wah-Kee's cheese obsession. I know he can't swim, so maybe he was on a sinking ship one time, about to drown, when a cheese wheel floated by and he grabbed on and drifted to shore. That would certainly give me a greater appreciation for the stuff. All I know is we were at Nick's house one day and Wah-Kee asked if anyone wanted some cheese and crackers. We said "okay," and watched as he pulled a block of cheese, a cutting board and a slicer out of his inside coat pocket. At that moment, a race started in my head, and "Thank you," narrowly beat "Why the hell did you have that stuff in your coat?!"
When all the picture combinations had been exhausted, we all lined up in the same formation we were in during the wedding procession and got ready to make our way into the hall. As before, I was paired with Dina, who if I may say so was the hottest of the bridesmaids. The pairings were based on height. Sometimes it pays to be tall. So the wedding party lined up in the hallway, waiting to be introduced in pairs. We entered the room to the
Rocky theme. Nick and Hedie came out to
Indiana Jones.
I've been to several weddings over the years, and I've always wanted to sit at the big table. I was also tired of being dateless at all my cousin's weddings and especially my neighbor's wedding because most of the guests there were my age. This time I finally got to sit at the big table
and I had a date, but since Michele wasn't part of the wedding party, she sat at ton of the other tables with my family. It's like my life is an O. Henry story. But that was the least of my problems. Before I knew it, it was time for me to give the speech. No turning back now....
To be continued...
