For almost two years now, I have endured the inane, tear-inducing prattle of inarguably the World's Most Annoying Co-Worker, Joe. I do not say that lightly. He has earned the title, believe me.
First off, he has stupid/annoying nicknames for everyone. We have a client named Dara and every time... every time he says her name, he refers to her as "Dara Dingle." I don't think I need to say that her last name isn't Dingle.
One woman's last name is Holmes, who according to Joe, is John Holmes' wife. Not only is that not funny, but that burns the unsavory image of Joe watching porn into my poor innocent retinas. He doesn't even try to change it up, you know, like by sometimes saying "Sherlock's daughter" or something. It's always "John Holmes' wife."
Another woman's last name is "Knox." Mention her name to Joe and he'll sing-song back that she has big knockers. Wow. Sexist and unfunny.
And he's loud. He taps his fingers on the desk. Granted, pretty much everyone does that, myself included, but he does it VERY loudly. And he taps his feet. Really, it's more like stomping. He even types loud. I usually have my headphones cranked way up, but sometimes, like a movie monster that just won't die, he actually overpowers the music. Even Rammstein is no match for Joe.
A Joe-ku:
Tried to block him out
But he keeps getting louder
Touché, Joe. Touché.
There's more, so help me God, there's more. Like the voices. He thinks he can do voices. Rich Little would be spinning in his grave if he were dead. And he takes our names and incorporates them into whatever song is playing on the radio. Sometimes the song isn't even playing on the radio; he just starts what I will generously call "singing" for no apparent reason. Not only does he think this is clever, but he must think it continues to be so after doing it several times a day, every day...for TWO FRIGGIN' YEARS!
He likes to come up behind you and put his hand on your shoulder, look at whatever is on your screen and say "Ooooh, preeeetttttyyyyy." I usually sit perfectly still in silence until he says "well, I'll let you get back to work." and clomps back to his desk.
But perhaps most annoying of all are the handful of catchphrases he spews out several times a day. I think if you recorded Joe's entire lexicon onto paper, odds are it would scarcely be as thick as a Monday newspaper. So it may seem odd to request he diminish his already weak repertoire, but I think the time to put some "classic" Joe-isms to rest is long overdue. Every one of these he uses at least once a day, every day. If Pavlov were around today, he'd be moist with jubilation at the prospect of studying such a creature. And so, I present the following phrases and sentences that should hereby be banned from escaping Joe's lips under pain of death. Or at least severe internet mockery.
Banned Joe-isms
10. "I've got your ________ right here!"
Reason: While used sporadically and appropriately, this crude response can actually be humorous at times, but given Joe's complete lack of comedic timing and wit, coupled with the fact that he uses it as a stock response for everything--inexplicably in most cases-- maybe it's time to wrap it up, put it in a box, put the box in a trunk, chain and lock the trunk, set it on fire, and dump it at the bottom of the ocean.
9. "That's what she said"
Reason: Again, this isn't even funny when used correctly, but the way Joe uses it defies all logic. (example: I'll say "I'm going to the post office." and he'll respond with "That's what she said!") Maybe in Joe's mind, saying this turns even the most innocent of comments into a sexual reference. I don't think Joe really has a grasp of the subtle art of double entendre, but as Joe would say "I've got you're double entendre right here!"
8. "Excellent, Smithers! All we need now is the Jade Monkey!"
Reason: Hey, who doesn't like a good "Excellent, Smithers" to punctuate a job well done? The problem is Joe always...ALWAYS follows it up with "all we need now is the Jade Monkey" Why? Why is it always the Jade Monkey? And how is it possible that whenever he says it, it's as if he's said it for the first time?
Oh, and thanks to my brother Ryan for getting the actual dialogue from The Simpsons:
Mr. Burns: You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: We found the Jade Monkey, sir. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps and ice scrapers?
Smithers: They were there, too.
Mr. Burns: Excellent. It's all falling into place.
He's not even doing it right!!! He said it to Homer, not Smithers. It was the episode where Homer goes back to college. "Hello, Dean. You're a stupid head."
Misquoting the Simpsons should be against the law.
7. "Holy D'Artagnan, Batman!"
Reason: I'm not really up on my 60's Batman, but I'd guess this was only said once on the show, if at all. As you may know, Robin's shtick on the old Batman show was to say "Holy something-related-to-the-plot, Batman!" But Joe always says "Holy D'Artagnan, Batman!" Not "Holy molten lava, Batman!" Or "Holy flying monkeys, Batman!" It's always "Holy D'Artagnan, Batman!" and it's said without a whiff of explanation. And unless D'Artagnan is French for "Joe's a moron" it just doesn't work in every situation.
6. "Hassan Chop"
Reason: The relevance of this one eluded me for the longest time. He'll blurt it out several times over the course of the day, again with no explanation whatsoever. Although saying "chop" or anything that rhymes with "chop" often triggers him to counter with "Hassan...CHOP!"
Apparently it's a reference to an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. But even though I now know where it comes from, I still can't comprehend why he says it all the time. I guess it's the same reason he does anything, whatever the bloody hell that happens to be. Stonehenge? The pyramids? These mysteries will be solved before anyone can even begin to try and figure this one out. I don't even want to figure it out; I just want it to go away.
5. "You...are...our...last...hope"
Reason: Here's a little story for you: one day, Joe saw the movie Galaxy Quest. The next day, and every day since then, he has imitated--poorly--that line from the movie. I liked Galaxy Quest, but Joe is single-handedly destroying it for me. Thanks, Joe.
4. "Three shall be the number, the number shall be three"
Reason: Often chased with "four shall not count," Joe's cringe-worthy faux British accent and extreme overuse of this Monty Python line makes you wish you actually had a holy hand grenade to throw at him. Or a cow.
3. Anything in the
A. Stock Southern Accent
Reason: What causes a grown man whose name isn't Robin Williams to break into a southern accent in the middle of a conversation? Sounding as authentically Southern as instant grits, Joe finds time in his hectic schedule to pepper gems like "Lurlene, I looove you", "The boy's touched in the heeeead" and "What song is it that you want to hear?" throughout his befuddling Tourette's-esque syntax. If the South does indeed rise again, I think their first target should be Joe.
B. Stock British Accent
Reason: Every day at 3:00, Joe walks down stairs to make a "Spot 'o tea." And every day at 3:00 Joe stands at the top of the stairs and asks "Would anyone care for a spot 'o tea?" That's bad. But not as bad as his Austin Powers' "Yeah baby!"
Already in the pantheon of overused catchphrases, Joe's take on "Yeah baby" has to rank near the top of all time worst impersonations. It's impossible to describe in writing, but somewhere between "Yeah" and "baby" he morphs into the Big Bopper. If you don't get that one, ask your parents.
2. "Arurrggrrururur"
Reason: I can't tell you how long it took me before I figured out what he was even trying to do here. A submarine? Chewbacca's mating call? Apparently, whenever Joe makes this horrible gurgling noise (which is more often than any one person should have to endure) he's trying to imitate Barney Gumble from The Simpsons. As Comic Book Guy would say, "Worst. Impression. EVER!" Really. It's not even close. And he does it every time he screws up...in other words, he does it a lot.
1. "What if I don't want to?"
Reason:It may take a few years to do enough research on the subject to make it official, but I think this may be the number one all-time most annoying response to a question in recorded history. Ever. And not only does he says it whenever you ask him to do anything (or anyone else; yes he actually says things like "What if he/she/it doesn't want to?"), but he makes the "I just said something clever" face when he says it. Every time. Every damn time. Unbelievable.
First off, he has stupid/annoying nicknames for everyone. We have a client named Dara and every time... every time he says her name, he refers to her as "Dara Dingle." I don't think I need to say that her last name isn't Dingle.
One woman's last name is Holmes, who according to Joe, is John Holmes' wife. Not only is that not funny, but that burns the unsavory image of Joe watching porn into my poor innocent retinas. He doesn't even try to change it up, you know, like by sometimes saying "Sherlock's daughter" or something. It's always "John Holmes' wife."
Another woman's last name is "Knox." Mention her name to Joe and he'll sing-song back that she has big knockers. Wow. Sexist and unfunny.
And he's loud. He taps his fingers on the desk. Granted, pretty much everyone does that, myself included, but he does it VERY loudly. And he taps his feet. Really, it's more like stomping. He even types loud. I usually have my headphones cranked way up, but sometimes, like a movie monster that just won't die, he actually overpowers the music. Even Rammstein is no match for Joe.
A Joe-ku:
Tried to block him out
But he keeps getting louder
Touché, Joe. Touché.
There's more, so help me God, there's more. Like the voices. He thinks he can do voices. Rich Little would be spinning in his grave if he were dead. And he takes our names and incorporates them into whatever song is playing on the radio. Sometimes the song isn't even playing on the radio; he just starts what I will generously call "singing" for no apparent reason. Not only does he think this is clever, but he must think it continues to be so after doing it several times a day, every day...for TWO FRIGGIN' YEARS!
He likes to come up behind you and put his hand on your shoulder, look at whatever is on your screen and say "Ooooh, preeeetttttyyyyy." I usually sit perfectly still in silence until he says "well, I'll let you get back to work." and clomps back to his desk.
But perhaps most annoying of all are the handful of catchphrases he spews out several times a day. I think if you recorded Joe's entire lexicon onto paper, odds are it would scarcely be as thick as a Monday newspaper. So it may seem odd to request he diminish his already weak repertoire, but I think the time to put some "classic" Joe-isms to rest is long overdue. Every one of these he uses at least once a day, every day. If Pavlov were around today, he'd be moist with jubilation at the prospect of studying such a creature. And so, I present the following phrases and sentences that should hereby be banned from escaping Joe's lips under pain of death. Or at least severe internet mockery.
Banned Joe-isms
10. "I've got your ________ right here!"
Reason: While used sporadically and appropriately, this crude response can actually be humorous at times, but given Joe's complete lack of comedic timing and wit, coupled with the fact that he uses it as a stock response for everything--inexplicably in most cases-- maybe it's time to wrap it up, put it in a box, put the box in a trunk, chain and lock the trunk, set it on fire, and dump it at the bottom of the ocean.
9. "That's what she said"
Reason: Again, this isn't even funny when used correctly, but the way Joe uses it defies all logic. (example: I'll say "I'm going to the post office." and he'll respond with "That's what she said!") Maybe in Joe's mind, saying this turns even the most innocent of comments into a sexual reference. I don't think Joe really has a grasp of the subtle art of double entendre, but as Joe would say "I've got you're double entendre right here!"
8. "Excellent, Smithers! All we need now is the Jade Monkey!"
Reason: Hey, who doesn't like a good "Excellent, Smithers" to punctuate a job well done? The problem is Joe always...ALWAYS follows it up with "all we need now is the Jade Monkey" Why? Why is it always the Jade Monkey? And how is it possible that whenever he says it, it's as if he's said it for the first time?
Oh, and thanks to my brother Ryan for getting the actual dialogue from The Simpsons:
Mr. Burns: You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: We found the Jade Monkey, sir. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps and ice scrapers?
Smithers: They were there, too.
Mr. Burns: Excellent. It's all falling into place.
He's not even doing it right!!! He said it to Homer, not Smithers. It was the episode where Homer goes back to college. "Hello, Dean. You're a stupid head."
Misquoting the Simpsons should be against the law.
7. "Holy D'Artagnan, Batman!"
Reason: I'm not really up on my 60's Batman, but I'd guess this was only said once on the show, if at all. As you may know, Robin's shtick on the old Batman show was to say "Holy something-related-to-the-plot, Batman!" But Joe always says "Holy D'Artagnan, Batman!" Not "Holy molten lava, Batman!" Or "Holy flying monkeys, Batman!" It's always "Holy D'Artagnan, Batman!" and it's said without a whiff of explanation. And unless D'Artagnan is French for "Joe's a moron" it just doesn't work in every situation.
6. "Hassan Chop"
Reason: The relevance of this one eluded me for the longest time. He'll blurt it out several times over the course of the day, again with no explanation whatsoever. Although saying "chop" or anything that rhymes with "chop" often triggers him to counter with "Hassan...CHOP!"
Apparently it's a reference to an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. But even though I now know where it comes from, I still can't comprehend why he says it all the time. I guess it's the same reason he does anything, whatever the bloody hell that happens to be. Stonehenge? The pyramids? These mysteries will be solved before anyone can even begin to try and figure this one out. I don't even want to figure it out; I just want it to go away.
5. "You...are...our...last...hope"
Reason: Here's a little story for you: one day, Joe saw the movie Galaxy Quest. The next day, and every day since then, he has imitated--poorly--that line from the movie. I liked Galaxy Quest, but Joe is single-handedly destroying it for me. Thanks, Joe.
4. "Three shall be the number, the number shall be three"
Reason: Often chased with "four shall not count," Joe's cringe-worthy faux British accent and extreme overuse of this Monty Python line makes you wish you actually had a holy hand grenade to throw at him. Or a cow.
3. Anything in the
A. Stock Southern Accent
Reason: What causes a grown man whose name isn't Robin Williams to break into a southern accent in the middle of a conversation? Sounding as authentically Southern as instant grits, Joe finds time in his hectic schedule to pepper gems like "Lurlene, I looove you", "The boy's touched in the heeeead" and "What song is it that you want to hear?" throughout his befuddling Tourette's-esque syntax. If the South does indeed rise again, I think their first target should be Joe.
B. Stock British Accent
Reason: Every day at 3:00, Joe walks down stairs to make a "Spot 'o tea." And every day at 3:00 Joe stands at the top of the stairs and asks "Would anyone care for a spot 'o tea?" That's bad. But not as bad as his Austin Powers' "Yeah baby!"
Already in the pantheon of overused catchphrases, Joe's take on "Yeah baby" has to rank near the top of all time worst impersonations. It's impossible to describe in writing, but somewhere between "Yeah" and "baby" he morphs into the Big Bopper. If you don't get that one, ask your parents.
2. "Arurrggrrururur"
Reason: I can't tell you how long it took me before I figured out what he was even trying to do here. A submarine? Chewbacca's mating call? Apparently, whenever Joe makes this horrible gurgling noise (which is more often than any one person should have to endure) he's trying to imitate Barney Gumble from The Simpsons. As Comic Book Guy would say, "Worst. Impression. EVER!" Really. It's not even close. And he does it every time he screws up...in other words, he does it a lot.
1. "What if I don't want to?"
Reason:It may take a few years to do enough research on the subject to make it official, but I think this may be the number one all-time most annoying response to a question in recorded history. Ever. And not only does he says it whenever you ask him to do anything (or anyone else; yes he actually says things like "What if he/she/it doesn't want to?"), but he makes the "I just said something clever" face when he says it. Every time. Every damn time. Unbelievable.