Scott the Fish

A poem that may or may not rhyme, depending on what region you're from.

While I was sailing in my yacht
counting all the fish I'd caught
to see if they were too small or not
and throwing them into the boiling pot
I came across a fish named Scott
Scott grabbed the fancy lure I bought
And twisted it into a double knot
And sounding not the least distraught
Yelled, "Put me back, you drunken sot!
For I'm the mighty fish juggernaught
And not as weak as you have thought
I'm much tougher than other fish you've fought
I may be small and I may be squat
but mess with me and you're bound to rot.
So heed this lesson you've been taught!!!"
So I cut his stupid fish head off. God I hate talking fish.

I wrote that a few months ago, after a long and ultimately unfulfulling online conversation with someone from another part of the country. It stemmed from a test to see if you were Yankee or Dixie, based on how you pronounce certain words. One of the questions was, "Do you pronounce 'cot' and 'caught' the same way?" I thought it was a trick question. How else would you pronounce them? Four pages of explanation later I still hadn't found out.

Since I don't feel like writing anything new today, here are a few highlights from that conversation. My comments are in bold.

Cot and caught. Explain that please. As far as I know, they both rhyme with "hot." Which is the one that doesn't? Do you pronounce the "g"?

How do you say "ought?" as in "you ought to do that?' With an "aw" sound. Cot is like hot, while caught is like ought.

I say ought the same as caught
I say caught the same as hot
I say hot the same as bought
I didn't know there were those who did not.

So you say ought as 'ot' and not 'awt'?

More like hot and hawt sound the same to me. I have no idea what "ot" would sound like. Oat? This doesn't really work in writing...

The o in ot is like the robot or the o in ox.

They're still all the same to me.

So...when you say awe, it sounds similar to hot? Remember the Alanis Morrisette song, "You oughta know"? you say cot like she says ought?

Yes. How do you say it, as in a real world reference like that song?

Cot sounds like cop with a t instead of a p or even like got.

I'm going to give this "cot" and "caught" thing one more try, only because I think I figured it out. All this time we've been trying to find out how I say these words, but we weren't getting anywhere because I say them all the same, with a short "o" sound. If an "a" is placed next to a "u" or a "w," it makes an o sound, such as saw and raw. I couldn't even imagine another way to pronounce it, until I heard some roudy and probably drunk people on the train ride home. So the midwestern types, do you say "caught" the same way someone with an extreme Boston accent would say "cart" (cahht?) As in, closer in sound to cat than hot?

Yes, like an extreme form of cart. Long vowel sound. And au and aw do not make an 'o' sound. How do you say the word 'maw' as in... I looked into the maw of a lion? if it is different than the way you say cot... that is the same way caught is pronounced. Or a crow... caws.

If I'm saying "ah," my mouth is open wide. If i'm saying "aw" it's smaller and more circular. That's why the dentist doesn't say "open wide and say "awww." I give up. They all sound the same. Thanks anyway.

If anyone reading this pronounces all those words differently, please do NOT try to explain to me how you say them differently in writting, because I'm just going to read it the way I pronounce it and it won't get us anywhere.

Anyway, the biggest difference in regional dialects is the use of the word "y'all." Y'all was created out of necessity for a word meaning the plaural of you. It can be confusing if you say "you" in a room full of people. There's no way for them to know if you meant you as a whole, or just one of them. So down South, they came up with "y'all." My dad says "yous," but that just doesn't sound right unless it's followed by "mugs". So I just say "you guys." Maybe it's from watching the Electric Company, reenforced by The Goonies.



That reminds me...just when I finally got Hulkster in Heaven out of my head, my cousin has me listen to a song about a midget. I'd never listen to hip-hop without getting coerced into it, but any song that samples Sloth is okay by me.