Thursday, December 25, 2008

An Important Christmas Message

Hello, and merry Christmas everyone. You know, with all the commercialism surrounding Christmas, it can be easy to forget what this day is all about. It's to celebrate the birth of someone who came into this world with a message of joy and peace. Someone who died, rose again, and will return again one day. So happy birthday, Frosty the Snowman!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

In A Country Far Far Away...

Snit (aka Droopy McCool). Jabba's palace. 1983.

Sara the walrus. Istanbul. 2008.

George Lucas is like Nerdstadamus. Who knew?

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Aorta Be in Pictures

Remember when I made that appointment to see if I had Marfan Syndrome? Well, I just got back. Did you know that geneticists are located in the same part of the medical facility as the OB/GYN? I didn't. And neither did the lady behind the desk at the gynecologist's office apparently. I got some weird looks when I walked in there.

Can I help you?

Um, I'm here for an appointment.

With an OB/GYN?

Uh, no. Genetics.

She asked for my name, then she looked me up and asked me to sit down. So I sat there for about thirty-five minutes as wave after wave of female patients came in, sat down, were called into the office, and left. The lady behind the desk was talking to her co-worker about David Otunga, the guy from "I Love New York" who's engaged to Jennifer Hudson.

I had already made the co-pay downstairs and this is where the woman there directed me to go. I was starting to think I was in the wrong office, but the lady behind the desk assured me this was genetics, and the doctor would be out in just a few minutes.

The doctor finally came out to greet me. She was wearing plainclothes, like she was undercover. I guess I'm just used to doctors in those white smock things they wear, with a stethoscope around their neck and that circle thing on their head. Come to think of it, I've never seen an actual doctor wearing one of those circle things. She took me into her office and I sat down. The table next to me was overflowing with toys and Dr. Seuss books, and the front of her desk was covered with large, colorful magnetic letters. Near the bottom, someone had spelled out "Youkilis" using sideways "H"s for the "I"s.

She asked for some family history, I answered all of her questions to the best of my knowledge, and then we went into another room where she measured my height, armspan, and leg length. Then we went back to her office and she explained that loose connective tissues, which accounts for my flexibility and occasional hand-popping-out-of-the-socket-ness, is also the reason I had the hiccups for five days and why my throat closes up sometimes when I eat.

I didn't have to give up any of my precious bodily fluids, which was nice. But I do have to go back on January 20 to get 2 non-invasive tests; an ultrasound of my abdominal aorta, and an echocardiogram.

That's all I got for today. I was going to write "aorta" a few more times, but I don't remember everything the doctor said about it. I guess there's medication or something that can keep it from getting too big, because that's what happens. It explodes or something, I don't know. I feel better now that I've looked into all this stuff, anyway.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Wenis Envy

Every day we are surrounded by war. The war on terror. The war on drugs. The Battle of the Network Stars. But the oldest of them all, older than the bloody conflicts between Israel and Palestine or even Great Taste and Less Filling is the battle of the sexes. It's been raging for tens of thousands of years, with no end in sight.

Nowhere is this battle more prevalent than in our nation's electronic inboxes. Well, I guess it's much more prevalent in the thousands of domestic abuse cases reported each year, but that doesn't really gel with the light-hearted tone I've established on this blog. So let's stick with the annoying e-mails we get all the time that basically amount to "Ha Ha! Men don't ask for directions! Hee Hee! Women are overbearing!"

While both sides are equally repugnant, I'm inclined to defend my own gender against vitriolic anti-male propaganda, lest the Man Council have me waterborded and, I don't know, stripped of my fantasy football team. By the way, it is not cool to make fun of another man's beleaguered fantasy team. Yes, up until last week, my beloved Crusty Jugglers were 3-9 (the same record as a guy who was locked out of the league in week four due to an argument) and I'm the only person still actively playing in our 10 team league statistically eliminated from making the playoffs. But it's not like I'm the one out there not scoring touchdowns or dropping passes. (Maybe that's for the best.) I'm just having a bad year. And anyway, your team is like your kid. And it hurts when people make fun of your club-footed, droopy-eyed bald kid. He's out there doing the best he can, God bless him! With his helmet and mittens. Heart of a champion.

But back to this man-hating stuff. A list was brought to my attention that soils the pants and baffles the mind. Mostly the latter. As a goodwill gesture, I'd like to state that this list is clearly the work of an extremist, a Femsama Bin Ladin declaring shehad if you will, and is in no way a reflection of the thoughts of your average, non-insane woman. This is a person with some serious issues, who unfortunately left their name off the spiteful, humorless list so we can't all, men and women alike, laugh at how sad and pathetic this person's life must be. Just the same, let's all point and laugh, shall we? Only then can the healing begin.

Here are all the rules every woman must know about men:
1. They look at women as only child bearing flesh, and not humans
Well that makes no sense. If men only see women as child-bearing flesh, how come so many guys skip town when they find out they knocked up their girlfriends? Hmm? Answer that one, Nancy Drew.

2. Men only care about 1 thing and ONLY 1 thing
Well that's awfully vague. it football? Big screen TVs? Wait, it's video games, right? Yeah, it's probably video games.

3. Men could care less about you, his family, his children
I'm just going to gloss over the fact that she went from plural "men" to singular possessive "his". Okay? Forget about that affront to the English language. It's COULDN'T! Men COULDN'T care less! Cheese and crackers, that really ticks me off. It's like saying this person could be dumber. When in fact, this person couldn't be any dumber. See? She's achieved maximum dumbness. The intelligence meter is at zero degrees Kelvin. She's dumb is what I'm getting at.

4. Men would do ANYTHING even kill you for sex
That's right, sister. Because nothing's hotter than banging a dead chick. You caught us.

5. Men can NOT live without sex
I guess it's true. Mahatma Gandhi took a vow of celibacy, and he's dead. So...there you go.

6. Men are mindless, and useless creatures
René Descartes sounds like a chick's name, but he was totally a guy. I think, therefore I am. Suck on that.

7. Women can live without men, men CANNOT live without women
I suppose women could wipe out all the men on Earth and repopulate using sperm banks, but sooner or later, they're gonna run out of baby formula.

8. Men do not have the ability to think about anything but sex
This is the fifth one about sex, and not the last. Clearly someone can't think about anything else.

9. Men cannot love, and do not have the strengths to love. They only know sex
Jeez, change the record, lady. Maybe you should change it to, I don't know, I Would Do Anything for Love, But I Won't Do That. Know who sang that? A man. A man named Meatloaf, wearing a Klingon forehead for some reason.

10. All men should rot in hell
You know in Revenge of the Sith, when Obi-Wan was fighting Anakin, and Obi-Wan said "Only a Sith deals in absolutes," but that itself is an absolute so by his own definition Obi-wan must be a Sith? Well, that's relevant to this somehow. Maybe she forget a few words and meant to say "All men who set puppies on fire should rot in hell." I think we can all agree on that one, right?

Yes, the anonymity of the internet allows people to get away with saying just about anything, and this is probably the angry manifesto of a woman spurned one too many times. There is certainly no shortage of assholes, so a long string of failures could leave someone a jaded wreck to be pitied and/or mocked for their melodramatic platitudes. Although, this whole list may have just been meant to be sarcastic, and sarcasm, as I've come to learn, can be catastrophic on the internets if you don't pull it off.

However, I can't say it doesn't bother me that this person is walking around somewhere, completely blind to the fact that they are frighteningly stupid, and what's worse, breathing all our precious, hard-earned air. I really hope she gets diarrhea with blood in it. And it happens when she's on a bus or something and no one wants to sit next to her, not even the guy that smells like ashtrays filled with cat pee.

I think Jose was expecting me to write about Thanksgiving.