Look! It's TV's French Stewart!

All right, webmonkeys. This is the face of poison ivy/oak/sumac/whatever. I don't think it's as bad as Michele was saying, though. Sure, my rugged good looks took a hit, but we're not in Dick Tracy villain territory here.

Why is it that tragic deformities or birth defects always translate into a life of crime, anyway? Remember that chewed-up Cooter figure I had? I always used him as a bad guy, and I never gave it a second thought. But think about it. All the cartoons and comics, toys and movies you've ever seen; there always seems to be one constant. Mangled and gross equals evil. Face left horribly scarred by acid? Become a vicious, maniacal killer. Born with goats where you're arms should be? Mastermind a plot to steal the world's largest opal.

Is that really the message we want to send out to impressionable young minds? "Remember kids, do your homework, eat your vegetables, and if you look different in any way, you will be subjected to years of ridicule, until you inevitibly launch a full-scale attack on the entire planet from your hollowed-out volcano lair."

Maybe Pruneface would have lived a perfectly normal suburban life if he wasn't the perennial victim of verbal abuse. Would it really have been so hard just to call the poor man Larry? Could we as a society be the ones creating these supervillains with our cruel words? Let's hear some testimonials from actual supervillains to find out:

"People like you are the reason I was afraid
to go to school as a child."
- Mystique




"When one of your legs is a pig, people can't help
but say, 'Oh, there's a pig there.' And that hurts."
- The Deadly Bulb




"It was the kids! They called me Mr. Glass!"
- That guy from Unbreakable

So there you go. One the other hand, we could argue that these people could rise above their detractors and do something positive with their misshapen selves. Who's to say that a gamma ray accident that leaves you with an extra arm is a free pass to a supervillainy? Couldn't you just as easily put that third arm to use as a drummer in a rock band, or better yet, a surgeon?

Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko was left heavily disfigured by Dioxin poisoning last year. It doesn't seem as though it's swayed him towards a life of crime. And I say good for him. But if I ever turn on the news and see that someone's stolen the Golden Gate Bridge, you can bet all eyes will be on the Ukraine. You hear that, hamburger face? I'm watching you...

Oh, by the way, I now offer an RSS feed of this site. You can check it out on the sidebar over there. Pretty swank, huh? I have no idea what an RSS feed actually is, but someone asked for it, and I'm nothing if not compliant.

And finally, they say everyone and his brother has a blog these days. Well, now it appears to be true. Yes, Ryan the Wonder Middle Child has a blog. Behold it in all it's splendor.