Cooter My Daisy Heads

One of the highlights of five dollar movie night is the music they play before the previews start. Other theaters have Movie Watcher Network, or some other fake radio station, with a smooth-sounding dj to inform you that you've just heard the latest from Brian McKnight. But Hanover does it's own thing. Most of the time, they either play weird jungle music with chanting and parrot noises, or banjo-laced cowboy yodelling. A few times, they've had Musak versions of TV show themes. One night we heard jazzed-up instrumental versions of Cheers, The Cosby Show, Rosanne, Family Ties, and Taxi before the previews started. Another time, they had the Mambo-style end credits from Songs in the Key of Sprinfield. I love that place.

Last night, we saw the Dukes of Hazzard movie. It was pretty good. That Cooter guy from the TV show has been running around all over the place telling anyone that will listen that the movie is too raunchy and it's nothing like the family-friendly TV show. I think he might have forgotten where "Daisy Dukes" originated. He didn't like all the swearing in the movie, either. It's irrational to assume that people placed in some of the situations in the movie wouldn't swear, but I can see his point in that many scenes it seemed like they were swearing for the sake of swearing. A movie full of "dangs" and "aw, shuckses" would have been unrealistic, but it almost seemed like their goal was to work the word "ass" into every scene.

Speaking of Cooter, somewhere in my parent's basement, there's a plastic Cooter action figure with a mangled face. I loved the Dukes of Hazzard when I was a kid and had most of the toys put out by Mego (who also had a line of figures for CHiPs and, for some reason, Dallas). The crown jewel was the General Lee, with the flip-top roof for easy access. Man, that was a cool toy. I think I was only two or three when I got them, so my memories are a bit hazy. All I know is that as time went on Bo, Luke, Daisy, Roscoe and Cletus mysteriously vanished. One by one, they met their fate, be it getting sucked up into the lawn mower or getting lost between the cushions of the station wagon. Even my Dukes of Hazzard swimming pool got lost when it blew off into the woods during Hurricane Gloria.

Uncle Jesse, who remained a stalwart plaything even after losing a leg, was lost for years until he showed up inexplicably in the medicine cabinet one day. Maybe he was looking for Teeny Little Super Guy. And Cooter? Poor Cooter got most of his face and upper body chewed off by our dog. It looked like Larry the Cable Guy got caught in a threshing machine. By the time I was around eight years old, I didn't even know who that figure was supposed to be. He was just some nameless (and sleeveless) trucker guy. He saw his share of time at the bottom of the toy box. It wasn't until I found a site online that had all the old figures that I found out who he actually was.

The only one that escaped unharmed was Boss Hogg. I used Boss Hogg for everything. He was about the same size as the handful of Star Wars figures I had, so I created my own little world where Boss Hogg and the three-eyed goat face guy from Jabba's palace served as crime bosses for the Imperial Guard. Eventually, Boss Hogg's cigar broke off, but that only made him cooler because then it looked like he had a great big pimp ring on.

Anyway, back to the movie. I've seen people referring to Jessica Simpson's Daisy as a "ditzy slut," whereas Catherine Bach played her more intelligently. All I can say is I think these people are romanticizing the past too much. I may have only been a small child when the show was on the air, but I don't recall Daisy being a brain surgeon. Jessica Simpson may not know the difference between tuna and chicken in real life, but she played Daisy as being just as clever, if not more so then her TV counterpart. I didn't see her as being ditzy at all. And as far as being a slut, the movie did just about everything it could to give the exact opposite impression. While she did use her figure to get information from depraved lawmen or to distract them from what the Duke boys were doing, she's never seen "with" another man. In fact, the only guy that even tries to hit on her ends up on the wrong end of a good ol' fashioned ass-kicking. Not to mention that her family is so protective, she's probably got a metal plate underneath those cutoffs.

As crazy as it sounds, I would bet that if she'd dyed her hair, the words "ditz" and "slut" would have been removed from the equation altogether. I heard that they made a wig for her, but she refused to wear it. They should have told her to put on the damn wig, she was getting paid enough. She should have been a brunette. Not just because Daisy Duke is supposed to be, but because brunettes are waaay hotter than blondes. And I'm probably alone here, but Jessica Simpson's face looked like her cheeks collapsed in on themselves or something. She didn't always look like that, did she? I don't know. I guess no one's really looking at her face anyway.

The movie was directed by Jay Chandrasekhar, and written by his comedy toupe Broken Lizard, the guys that did Super Troopers. People either love that movie or hate it, so I guess that statement can be seen as a good or bad thing depending on which camp your in. (Afganistanimation... c'mon, how can you not like that movie?) Since I fall in the former category, I got a kick out of seeing some of the guys doing cameos, especially a scene involving campus police. Mother of God. That was probably my favorite part, along with the different reactions to the rebel flag painted on top of the General Lee. And I was up all night trying to remember where I'd seen the kid at the college before. It didn't come to me until I was walking to work this morning. It's the kid that poked a hole in Farva's liter of cola.

Sean Williams Scott and Johnny Knoxville were really good, especially Scott. I don't know about Burt Reynolds, though. I like him, but all throughout the movie I kept thinking, "Why is Burt Reynolds Boss Hogg?" Boss Hogg is a fat sweaty guy, remember? Why didn't they get his Evening Shade co-star, Charles Durning. He'd have made an excellent Boss Hogg. Just imagine the final showdown between him and the Duke Boys...

Bo: Hogg, what's the matter with you? You gotta be crazy chasin' us halfway across the county. Why are you doin' this to us?

Boss Hogg: 'Cause all my life I wanted to own a coal mine, and Hazzard's the key, hillbilly.

Bo: Yeah, well, I've got a dream too. But it's about driving and moonshine and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with. And, well, I've found a whole bunch of friends who have the same dream. And, well, it kind of makes us like a family. You have anyone like that, Boss? I mean, once you get all that coal, who are you gonna share it with? Who are your friends, Boss? Those guys? ...I don't think you're a bad man, Boss. And I think if you look in your heart, you'll find you really want to let me and my friends go to follow our dream. But if that's not the kind of man you are and if what I'm saying doesn't make any sense to you, well, then, go ahead and kill us.

Boss Hogg: (sighs, removes his hat) Alright, boys. Kill 'em.

Then the ground shakes, and a giant Uncle Jesse bursts out of the Boar's Nest, saving the day. That would've been cool. Instead, some other thing that's less cool happens.

Roscoe was all wrong, too. The pilot from Con Air can't be Roscoe P. Coltrane. He was too...mean. He's supposed to be bumbling. Bumbling! You know who would have been a great Roscoe? R. Lee Ermy. But instead of his usual drill sergeant barking, he'd be all folksy and true to the original character. Imagine R. Lee Ermy saying, "Ya done scuffed my vee-hicle!" I'm cracking up just thinking about it.

Basically, the movie's not as good as it could have been (with Simpson as a brunette, Charles Durning as Boss Hogg, R. Lee Ermy as Roscoe, and John Stamos as Uncle Jesse) but not nearly as bad as critics say it is. I liked it, anyway.



Oh, one more thing. I've got a website you have to check out. I've always said that Joe is the world's most annoying co-worker. Well, get ready to meet the world's most disgusting co-worker. This girl actually makes me thankful to have Joe around. I'd rather work with a braying ass than a stinky ass any day. The language is pretty strong and explicit, so kids and guys that used to play Cooter on TV should stay clear, But for the rest of you, enjoy The Disgusting Girl I Work With. It's an ongoing story, so make sure you start at the bottom of the page and work your way up to the most recent post.