The Legend of Johnny Bingo

When the Bossman rations out the weekly wages, sometimes I wonder if he truly knows the dedication to the craft that emanates from the very souls of his ever-diligent employees. (The number printed on the rightmost corner of the check would suggest a resounding "No.") Yet so dedicated are we, so devoted to keeping our minds limber, that we spend what lesser men would consider an obscene amount of time playing online Scrabble. What better way to keep your mind fresh and wary of common misspellings--a veritable career-ender in the fast-paced world of typesetting--then to partake in a friendly four-player intra-office game of Scrabble? But the benefits don't end there. No, there's also the healthy spirit of competition and valuable life lessons associated with the game. One of those lessons I'd like to share with you today.

First of all, the practice of playing Scrabble as a work enhancement tool started back at the old office with an actual flesh-and-blood Scrabble board. Okay, not flesh and blood, but it was a tangible enitity, bound to this Earth the way our current virtual game is not. In those days, John T (beloved internet wordsmith Mr. Schprock) ruled the Scrabble world with an iron fist, and he notched a hefty number of wins with little opposition. He'd drop Bingos (that's a word that uses all seven tiles and nets you an extra 50 points if you didn't know) at a clip of at least one a game, earining him the name "Johnny Bingo." Second place, a very distant second place, belonged to Joe, who took it upon himself to say, "John-nay...John-nay Bingo!" several times a day as only he can.

As for us stragglers, were lucky to win a game or two here and there, as if by some miracle.

But those days are gone. With online Scrabble, the nagging guilt one felt while hovering over the board to take a turn, knowing full well that the boss could walk by at any minute, has been replaced by the almost cocky sensation caused by slyly hiding the game window when the boss comes around. Granted, these games are useful exercises for those in our profession, but employers don't always see it that way. So with the newfound freedom of taking as long as I want to take my turn, rather than the hurried frantic pace of the old games, I've found myself winning more.

In fact, just last week, I was tied with John T for number of wins, seven, until he mounted a comeback of sorts and won several games in a row. I hadn't won again until Friday, which brought my record to eight versus his eleven. Last week I was poised to supplant John T and here I find myself needing a string of wins to even tie him again. We started a new game, and as the winner of the previous game, I went first. I immediately went on the offensive (or as much so as you can while playing Scrabble) and played "BERTH," placing the "H" on the double-letter score. 28 points. Do your worst, T.

BERTHING. Triple-word score. 36 points.

Dammit.

That was as close to me as he came, though. Fortune shined on me this morning, lining my rack with high-scoring, easily-playable letters. But it takes more than good letters. It takes skill, my friend. During the next few turns I walked away with the lead, playing "AX" and "NIX" for 51 points one round, and "HALTS" and "SOCKS" for 46 the next. When the virtual tile bag ran empty, I held onto an impressive lead with 202 points. John T was in second place, 61 points behind me with all the high-scoring letters already boarded. What's more, I had a Bingo in my rack in the form of "HEADMEN." There was no open spaces on the board large enough to accommodate such a word, but at this point it was all a formality. A walk-off Bingo would have been nice, but it was just as well to get another 19 points and go out on my next turn. The extra 19 put me at 221 to T's 141.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright. The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light. And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout. But there is no joy in Mudville-- John T played "VAPOURS" and "SCUD" for a total of 93 points. That's right, he got a walk-off Bingo, playing all of his letters and collecting the remaining ones in our sorry little racks. 113 points for that turn in all, skyrocketing his final score to 254 and dropping mine to 213. Both words were subsequently checked in the official Scrabble dictionary and found to be perfectly acceptable, and my surefire win was rendered a meaningless also-ran. I'm not sure how long I sat here, dumbfounded look on my face, as John T smugly announced that he was adding another win to his column. Johnny Bingo rides again.

And so, the life lesson that I hope you take away from this cautionary tale, is that John T stinks.

Posted in: Joe