Pantsless: A Story of Courage and Survival

Twenty-eight years ago, under a shady mango tree in Guatemala, a man sold a mystic green "fertility" rock to a gullible tourist. Elsewhere, newborn Jose Julian Sarti Gil lay in his crib, swaddled in a Dallas Cowboys t-shirt. Today, Jose is an important, if not overly enthusiastic, cog in the well-tuned machine that is the Borders bookstore empire. And the tourist? He was probably attacked by a gang of armed robbers in Tikal.

In celebration of Jose's birth, I offer the following story, as told by the man of the hour himself.

It was January 15, 1998. I was returning home from a holiday trip to Guatemala. Since it was 75 degrees there and I'd be going through Miami, I was wearing shorts. When I boarded my plane in Miami, the captain told us we we'd be heading straight into a blizzard. Oh well, no worries. Nick and the guys were picking me up at Logan.

My flight made it in just before the storm. On the ride back, Nick wanted to stop by the South Shore Plaza for something. I don't remember how long we stayed, but when we got out there was maybe an inch of snow on the ground. As Wah Kee took the turn behind Pizzeria Uno, Nick said, "Careful, Kee. The roads might be a little..." Nick never finished the sentence. Before we knew it, the Audi was riding on two wheels while the others bounced off the curb. We slid about 200 feet or so. We got out of the car to survey the damage, and Wah Kee proudly proclaimed, "Ehh, we're fine guys. No proble whatsoever." About the same time Nick discovered the two front wheels were facing in. Now I'm no mechanic, but that can't be a good thing.

So there we were, stuck on a curb, no front wheels, me wearing shorts, Wah Kee in denial, John along for the ride, and no idea what do do next. Then a lucky break. It turned out I had my AAA card in my luggage. Why I would need that on a plane, I dunno. Nick was hungry so he suggested the two of us walk over to Pizzeria Uno so I could call AAA and he could get a pizza. By this point the snow was really coming down, and it took about 15 minutes for AAA to understand I wasn't driving my car. Once they had all the details they told me the good news: Due to the storm, It would be 2 1/2 -- 4 hours for the tow truck to show up. YAY.

Nick apologized, but there really was no reason to. To be honest, I was just happy to be on the ground. Back at the scene of the crime, Wah Kee and John were sitting on the curb watching another car do donuts in the snow. John got pissed because he thought people would see the donuts and assume we were the ones doing the donuts and then crashed. If only it had been that exciting. After about 2 hours, the tow truck showed up. I think a tear ran down Wah Kee's face as they raised the Audi into the truck. Then we realized there was no way we'd all fit in the truck, especially with all the luggage. Some car pulled over because the driver knew Wah-Kee and offered a ride. So we all piled into this little 2 door. Wah-Kee up front; the rest of us and the luggage in back. I seem to remember John sitting on Nick's lap, but I believe he was just sitting on my carry-on bags. Once we were all inside, and the tow truck was gone, Wah Kee realized, "Oh crap, my parents are gonna kill me!" Our new driver giggled and said, "Don't worry. My dad gets pissed every time I total my car." John's eyes bugged out, as he whimpered something about not wanting to be in another accident.

He got us home in one piece though, and I was in bed by 1 am. When I boarded the plane in Guatemala, I thought something would happen on the plane, not 8miles from home. But things could have been better if I had a jacket, and some pants.

Oh, and Nick never shared his pizza. Bum.

Once again, "Every time I total my car"?! This is who we get to drive us home in a freaking blizzard, a graduate of the Billy Joel School of Driving? One thing about Jose's story, though; I thought the car that picked us up was a station wagon, not a two door. I guess they make two door station wagons. I don't know. It's all a blur. All I really remember is Jose kept saying that he had a winter coat in his car, and it would have been nice if he had it on. I think we were supposed to pick him up in his car, but used Wah-Kee's instead. I forget why. Like he said, I was just along for the ride. But if I had to guess, I'd say it was because Jose didn't want Wah-Kee driving his car.

Anyway, Jose left out one tiny detail, which was that for some reason, the driver's side back door on the Audi couldn't be opened from the inside. This wasn't a result of the accident; it was always like that. You had to be let out, like a police car. I think there was a big suitcase or something in the middle seat separating me and Jose, so he could get out on his side, but I was stuck in the car until someone thought to open the door.

Oddly enough, last year's birthday story also involved a car accident and the same Pizzaria Uno. Weird.