As if I needed another reason to dump a sack of scorpions in Joe's bed.
Whenever we get unsolicited sales calls at work, we put them on hold for a few minutes, then tell them whoever they're looking for stepped away from their desk. That's what we're supposed to do, anyway.
Last week, Joe said "Halo Direct" is on the line for me. I'd never heard of Halo Direct, but I knew they were either trying to sell me an Xbox or ask me if I've accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my life. So I took the call, found out it was actually Hello Direct and they sell wireless headsets for phones. I told the guy that the person in charge of making those decisions is away, asked if he wanted to leave a messege, you know, the usual stuff. When I got off the phone, I told Joe that it was a sales call, and next time, just blow him off.
"Sorry. I thought it was a collection agency," he whispered. Jackass.
A few days later, Joe calls me again and says there's an Andrew [Last name begrudgingly withheld] on the phone for me. Again, I've never heard of this guy, but I picked up the phone, and before I can say anything, this guy starts spewing his rehearsed Hello Direct sales pitch. God damn it, Joe. What's worse, is that our entire conversation was echoing loudly back into my ear. I'm not sure what was causing it, but I hope for his sake it wasn't that hands-free thingamagic he was undoubtedly wearing.
I told him we weren't interested, but he insisted that it was a free trial with no obligations. I told him again, adding that we're a small company and don't really need anything like that. But he kept pushing, and the feedback in my ear was getting worse. I could have hung up at any time. I should have. But I couldn't. I guess I should add here that I absolutely HATE the phone. I get really nervous and uncomfortable. I only use my phone when I have to. I say what I need to say, and then hang up. I was stuck on the phone with this guy, and I just wanted him to stop talking, so I said "fine." No big deal, right? I started to give him the company's address, when he interrupted, "Now, I have your address as [my home address], is that correct?"
Holy crap! How'd this guy get my home address? Well, now there was no way I could hang up on him, he knows were I live. I don't want to come home to a burnt-out shell one day, with this Andrew guy standing in the driveway, smelling of gasoline.
Let's see you hang up on me now!
So now I've got this stupid headset coming to my house. And if I don't send it back in thirty days, I've got to pay $293. God damn it, Joe.
"Sorry. It sounded like he knew you."
If discovering that you're getting a $293 hands free headset from Hello Direct shipped directly to your house had a polar opposite, it would have to be discovering the 69 cent miracle in a can that is Hello Boss.
I bought a can last weekend when Michele took me to Kam Man Food, the Asian marketplace in Quincy. Dispite living in Quincy for over a year, we never really went there, except when her mom came to visit. The first night we drove by, part of the "K" wasn't lit, so Michele looked up at the sign and said "I Am Man Food?"
Anyway, they have all kinds of cool weird-looking Asian fruits and vegetables that I'd never heard of. Most of them were all spikey and imposing, like they were from outer space. But the best part is the candy and drink isles, where you can pick up some Japanese candy and some really cheap Red Bull knock-offs from Thailand. Red Ice comes in a little brown glass bottle, and tastes a little like cough syrup.
Then there's Hello Boss. It's kind of like those little Starbucks drinks they sell for almost two dollars, only they're 69 cents and they have that funny little guy on the can.
Hello, boss!
I also grabbed a few cans of what I'd imagine to be Hello Boss' chief rival, Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown is also a coffee drink in a can, costs the same, and has an eerily similar mascot. I don't know which came first, but someone is clearly ripping somebody else off.
I think I'd prefer vanilla Mr. Brown to the vanilla Starbucks Frappuccino even if I wasn't broke. That stuff's pretty good. As for Mr. Brown versus Hello Boss, I think I've got to go with the Boss Man. Sure, they're both only 69 cents, but Hello Boss is a hefty 11.5 oz., while Mr. Brown is only 8.12. Plus that Mr. Brown looks a little too cocky for his own good.
5 comments:
Do you remember - before you moved out - that the army tried to do the same thing to me? They'd get some young recruitment guy to trick mom and dad into thinking he was one of my fiends. The tip-off should have come when somebody called looking for me. Who the hell ever calls me - unless they're looking for money?
And does that Mr. Brown guy remind anyone else of Sallah from Indianna Jones?
"Papers? Oh, yes we have papers! (Run.)"
I was thinking the same thing! John Rhys-Davies is very cool, even when he's on a coffee drink.
The telemarketers are getting trickier at our office too, and acting like they know my bosses. I let them slip through occasionally. If I figure out their game, I say, "We'renotinterestedbutthankyouandhaveaniceday." Click.
I've been getting weird telemarkete(e)r calls at work and when they shut up long enough for me to say something, I say in a very peeved tone, "You've reached me at work." I usually get an "Oh, I'm sorry."
I have set up a company to sell Hello Boss Iced Coffee over the Internet, The Far East Company, at www.thefareastcompany.com.
It reminds me of Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb. Mr. Pibb didn't get his degree but the soda is pretty much the same. Mr. Brown is like Hello Boss, except he's not in charge of anything.
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