I Gotta Have More Cowbell!

So I'm flipping through the channels and I come to VH1 Classic. Lynn Hoffman, formerly of Boston's MIX 98.5 is hosting the Request Hour. How about that. The first video is Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear the Reaper. It's a live version. It sounds...different. Why? No cowbell. None. That's just not right. Guess what, I've got a fever...and the only prescription...is more cowbell!

Press play to watch the SNL Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult skit


The second video is Robert Plant with Queen doing Crazy Little Thing Called Love at the Freddy Mercury Tribute concert. Plant does a good enough job, I guess, but he's wearing this blue blousy thing. He looks like a coked-up Barbara Streisand.

At this point I realize that I'm going to spend the rest of the night writing about music videos, so up next is Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight. This is actually the first time I've seen this video. I know, I know. Between this and the fact that I'd never seen Footloose, you'd think I spent most of the eighties locked in a cage. But I remember that Cyndi Lauper video with Lou Albano. And the one from The Goonies, with the giant squid that wasn't actually in the movie. And I remember David Lee Roth's California Girls. I guess if it didn't feature a Professional Wrestler or shiny, bikini-clad women, I wasn't interested. Anyway, I have to say that this video kinda disappointed me. Isn't this song supposed to be about watching some guy drown? The video is mostly Phil Collins sitting in what looks like Ted Kaczynski's summer cottage intercut with images of his disturbingly giant bald head. Later, there's a hallway with a bunch of colored doors, and behind one of them is Phil's creepy giant head again, but this time it's in heat-vision. Maybe behind one of the other doors was that drowning guy. He should have opened that one. It would have made the video a lot better.

The fourth video is for Ringo Starr's Photograph. I'm not going to bother with this one for two reasons; one, the only Ringo song I know is It Don't Come Easy; and two, the video is from VH1 Storytellers. That came out, what, five years ago? That's not a classic video! C'mon, Lynn.

Next we have The Tubes' video Talk To Ya Later. For the first thirty seconds I could swear the singer was TV's Paul Reiser. That reminds me of a letter I read a few weeks ago on Bill Simmons' page at ESPN.com:

Can you think of a better sitcom idea than "My Two Dads"? Your mom's dead and she was such a slut, we don't know who your real father is.
Charlie Triemert, St. Paul, MN

The camera moves in closer and it's clearly not Paul Reiser. The guy that's not Paul Reiser is giving a press conference...in song! That's the whole video. No futher questions, please.

Coming in at number six is Poison with Nothin' But A Good Time. It starts off with a long-haired guy working the kitchen at a diner, listening to KISS, or "that...that rock 'n roll!" as the angry guy that burst in called it. The radio is the least of that guy's problems. He's got long-haired employees with no hairnets handling food. Someone's going to get a two foot long blond hair in their turkey sub. Gross. But the long-hair guy doesn't care about that, he just wants to get away from The Man. So he kicks open the door and finds...every single Poison video ever. It's the guys from Poison, on stage, trying to look as tough as guys wearing women's clothes possibly can. It may seem weird to most people, but Poison will always remind me of bowling. A few years back, my friends and I used to go Cosmic Bowling. If you don't know, Cosmic Bowling is like regular bowling, but with flashing strobe lights, smoke machines and the cheesiest videos eighties hair bands had to offer. Unskinny Bop was a Cosmic Bowling staple. As was that dance song about people riding the train.

Next is The B-52s. Channel Z. Even as I watch this, all I can think of is the song UHF by Weird Al. Now I can't get the movie out of my head. Supplies!



Okay, now we have Sacrifice, by Elton John. This is the type of song you hear when you're waiting at the dentist's office. They pump that place full of adult contemporary soft rock to give you a false sense of security. Then they scrape pointy metal torture sticks across your gums for twenty minutes. Therefore, songs like this give me a creepy feeling. The fact that Elton John is inexplicably dressed like a matador as he's singing doesn't help.

Beverly from Gainsville, TX wanted to see Madonna's Papa Don't Preach. She must have some clout, because that's what's playing now. So Madonna's standing around in a t-shirt that says "Italian's do it better" and spots a virile young buck admiring her keen fashion sense. The two hit it off, maybe a little too well. Now she has to tell her old man Danny Aiello that she's all knocked up and stuff. I guess she's lucky her dad isn't Lou Albano. But in the end, he's okay with it. He thinks to himself, "At least she's not speaking in a fake British accent."

Next is Luther Vandross. I don't know what he's singing. It doesn't matter. It's another dentist song and I'm changing the channel now.