Can't Sleep. Clowns Will Eat Me

Pop quiz, hot shot: What is Coulrophobia?
A. An irrational fear of colors
B. An irrational fear crazy-as-a-bedbug anorexic shemale Ann Coulter
C. An irrational fear of clowns
D. A new fragrance from Calvin Klein

If you said an irrational fear of clowns, you're wrong! There's no such thing as an irrational fear of clowns, because clowns are inherently evil. Some of them are even really giant killer spiders.

Pennywise the dancing clown. The Joker. That little fat guy from Spawn. Killer Klowns from Outer Space. The new Ronald McDonald (he's not like the one they had when I was growing up, this new guy is...creepy.) Sure, you could say those aren't real clowns. And you'd be right, except for Ronald, anyway. But if clowns are so non-scary, then why are there so many evil clowns in pop culture? Why is there a website called ihateclowns.com? And let's not forget real-life serial killer clown, John Wayne Gacy.

I'm not saying all clowns drink the blood of the innocent from hollowed-out skulls or anything. I'm sure some clowns are nice people, but I'll bet even they still smile and say "I've still got it!" whenever a kid runs screaming in terror at the sight of them. Still, most people like clowns. They think they're funny. Choloric pallor and blood-red lips don't exactly scream "comedy" to me. More like, "I will devour your bones and dance naked on your grave." Actually, I guess that is kind of funny.

My friends laugh about my aversion of clowns. A few years ago, Glenn kept hiding clown-head cake toppers all over my room. Every time I'd open my sock drawer, there'd be a disembodied clown head grinning maniacally at me. Even Brianna thinks it's funny.



It's not like I wet myself every time I see a balloon animal. I just get kind of uncomfortable around clowns and try to avoid them at all costs. But I wouldn't say I was afraid. I even went into the clown-themed haunted house at Spookyworld a few years ago. Against my will, but I still went in. Okay, so I was literally dragged, but it wasn't really that bad. The Insane Clown Posse were in there goofing around with the tourists. That might have been the same time Nick and Hedie got their picture taken with TV's Lou Ferrigno. Those were some good times. Nick wants me to go to an ICP concert with him. Clowns rapping about killing people. It'd be like paying to see my nighmares acted out on stage. With a mosh pit. I just don't see that happening anytime soon. But if it does, I guess I'd write about it here.