Hell's Radio

Where do bad folks go when they die? No one knows for sure, but I'll bet they play America's top 40 there. All day, every day. Somewhere in the depths of the sulfuric abyss, the wretched souls of the damned are forced to endure the pre-recorded bleeting Ashlee Simpson for all eternity.

And what cruel fate awaits the worst specimens humanity has to offer? An eternal loop of Move Ya Body by Nina Sky and a guy who calls himself Jabba.

I've heard this song more times in the past few months than any human being deserves to. Sure, they mix it in with a bunch of other terrible songs to ensure that no part of your spirit remains uncrushed, but this song takes that extra step that makes you want to actually go out and buy the CD so you can snap it in half and slit your wrists with the shattered pieces.

The part with the women singing isn't really too bad. It's not great, but it doesn't make me want to kill myself. But then near the end that Jabba guy starts shouting orders.

Dear God is that annoying. He's some kind of dance music drill sergeant. If you don't move your body, it's two hours in the Hole, maggot! I guess I can move my body well enough, but I don't know if I can handle all that alternating-speed winding.

I just hope there's a special place in Hell for everyone associated with this song. Jabba should be forced to slow wind while listening to himself shout "Slow wind" until the end of time. Maybe even longer than that.