HCIF*

Somehow, a whole week went by and no fewer than three posts that I started to write wound up sitting around in draft mode limbo. Maybe one day I'll actually finish them all and post thirty-seven things at once. Why so many, you ask? Well, I'm a perfectionist, but I'm not very good at it. I don't like putting something up here for all to see unless it's exactly how I want it, but sometimes I don't actually know exactly how I want it. Of course now, having admitted that, you can all look back at some of the stuff that I've written and think, "So this is what passes muster for him, huh? Yikes." And to that I say, "Yeah, well...shut up."

It doesn't help that every three minutes, Joe clomps into the room, says something asinine like "Crikey, she's a beaut" and stares at my computer screen, forcing me to quickly hide the window and imagine traveling back in time to castrate his grandfather. (FYI: He's done it three times already since I started this post.)

So here we are at Friday again, and there hasn't been an update since last week. Boy, this week just flew by, huh?

Anyway, today I found myself on another bagel quest. I've got to stop eating those things. Not for any health reasons; it just seems like I can never have an uneventful trip to the bagel place.

I went to the bank first, to see if my ATM card worked yet. I haven't tried to use it since last Friday, when I slid it into the machine only to be informed that it has inexplicably been deactivated. I tried it at another branch and got the same result. I couldn't access my money. Well that's just ducky.

Being an expert procrastinator, I didn't get around to calling the bank until yesterday afternoon, when I checked the seven voicemails on my cell phone, some of which were made in December and two of which where from my bank. So I called the 800 number. I'm sure you're all familiar with the tradition of waiting at least fifteen minutes while a looped recording tells you how important your call is to them. Well, this particular recording had a loud, abrupt noise at the begining, like someone picking up a handset, and it repeated about every twelve seconds. And every twelve seconds, it caught me off guard.

The same thing happened one time when I was at Disney World. For whatever reason, all the rides where breaking down that day. We waited for hours in front of the Pirates of the Caribbean while they were doing some unspecified repairs. The family in front of us finally gave up and stepped out of line, about a minute before they opened the doors and announced the ride was back up and running. I had told my mom that I would conquer my fear of roller coasters by riding Big Thunder Mountain, and was relieved when that, too, was closed.

The Haunted Mansion, however, didn't break down until after we were on it. They tried to mask the technical difficulties by having a looped recording piped into the loudspeaker: "Playful spooks and happy haunts have interrupted our tour. Please remain seated in you DOOM BUGGY. We will proceed in just a moment." The spot on the ride where my car was stuck was just at the entrance of the cemetery, and even though the cars where stopped in their tracks, the animitronics continued to run as usual. So every couple of minutes a hydraulic skeleton would spring up from behind a gravestone, and every single time, despite knowing exactly what was going to happen and when, I jumped. Just like when I heard that stupid noise on the phone.

I finally spoke with someone and after giving them my information, they said that my card would be reactivated in half an hour. But they never said why it was deactivated in the first place.

This morning I wanted to see if my card worked yet, so I decided to go get some breakfast. I didn't want to use my card at Au Bon Pain, because if it was still deactivated, that would have been embarrassing. So I went across the street to the bank. Lo and behold, the card worked! I took out $20 and crossed the street again to get a bagel. There was a homeless guy begging near the crosswalk, and seeing as it was cold and rainy, and I'm a damn fine guy, I reached into my pocket, pulled out few quarters and a couple of dimes and gave it to him. Just a few feet away, standing in front of Au Bon Pain was another homeless guy, except this one was black whereas the other was white. He saw me give to the other guy, so I had to give him something to or I'd look like a racist bastard. I didn't have any change left, so I told him I'd give him something on the way out. My order came to $1.96. So I gave the guy four cents. He was probably thinking "Thanks...you racist bastard."

Actually, I guess that wasn't particularly eventful, but I know that when Michele reads this, she's going to say "Stop giving money to people!"

*Holy Crap It's Friday

Posted in: Joe