I know it's hard to believe, but the End Times are near. I've been in contact with someone, I can't say who, but for two dollars the first minute, 69 cents each additional minute, they let me in on the chilling events of the weeks and months to come. Here is some of what they saw.
CBS announcer: You're watching CBS, America's most watched network, and home of America's most watched new drama, CSI: Milwaukee. Wednesday on an all new CSI: Milwaukee, Det. Squigman uncovers a violent murder at the old Shotz Brewery. Now stay tuned for America's most watched reality show, Up Close and Personal. CBS. Most watched! America's!
Jeff Probst: Welcome back to the four-hour wrap-up addition of Up Close and Personal. As you all know, our three contestants knew going in that they would be living in a confined space with another person. What they didn't know was that they'd be staying in a crypt with a dead loved one!
Lisa, the accountant, was paired with her beloved granny. Bryan, the aerobics instructor, was paired with his disaffectionate father, and Eddie the hog farmer was paired with his wife. Let's take a look back and see their reactions when they found out.
Lisa: What?! What the [expletive deleted] is wrong with you people?! I think I'm going to be sick...
Bryan: Oh no. No. No you didn't. You did not just say I have to spent two months with that drunk bigot's rotting ass. No. Uh-uh.
Eddie: But...my wife died of cancer. I was by her bed when she passed. Why are you doing this? How could you do this to people? Have you no compassion?
Probst: Ha ha! What fun! But the two grueling months are over and now it's time to reveal the winner of Up Close and Personal. Are you ready? This is the big moment. You've all worked hard to get to this point. But only one of you can win. A big moment. Only one winner. Big moment. Two of you will have speant the last three uncomfortable months with a dead person for nothing. And the winner...of Up Close and Personal...is...Eddie Brown! C'mon over here Eddie!
Eddie: I-I won? Really?
Probst: That's right! Tell me, what was it like, spending all that time with a dead body?
Eddie: That body was my wife. And every second was agony. You should all be disgusted with yourselves. At least I can take my million dollars and get her a proper burial and still have some money to put the kids through school.
Probst: Oh, you're not getting a million dollars.
Eddie: I'm not?
Probst: Nope. We're throwing in another twist. You're getting something even better.
Eddie: Better than a million dollars?! Wait, it's not something creepy like bringing my wife back from the dead or anything, is it? Because I just don't think I could handle that.
Probst: No, no. Nothing like that. It's the moon!
Eddie: What's the moon?
Probst: Your prize. You won the moon.
Eddie: The moon? The MOON?!! What the [expletive deleted] am I supposed to do with the moon? Is this some kind of sick joke? God I hate you! The [expletive deleted] moon. [expletive deleted] you, Probst.
It gets worse. Later, FOX tries to outdo the competition by sending Paris Hilton and that other chick to work on Eddie's farm he set up on the moon. The Simple Life 4 is a huge ratings draw, mostly because, for the first time, Paris has no one around to sleep with. So she takes up jackhammering. Night and day. Until she eventually tunnels deep below the moon's surface and discovers an ancient city, still inhabited by a benevolent race called the Sh'Rahla. The media dubs them "Moon Gremlins", due to their vaguely similar appearance to the creatures in the movie Gremlins.
Every news outlet on Earth turns their attention to the first-ever proof of intelligent life outside our planet. Through a series of intricate drawings, the "Moon Gremlins" explained how they had been trapped under the surface of the Moon for many centuries, and expressed how grateful they were for being rescued. They set up talks with every major country to exchange ideas, knowledge and technology. For a while, there is peace among every nation on Earth.
Then something unthinkable happens. Nearly two-thirds of the Sh'Rahla are wiped out when they get VD from Paris Hilton. The remaining Sh'Rahla become enraged. They spare a few million humans and other species for use as slaves and lay waste to the Earth. And also Mercury, to show they mean business.
Scary stuff. Didn't that John Titor guy say something about the end of the world happening when a rich hotel heiress lays down with a moon person? Or was that in Revelations?
But this does not have to happen. It is a possible future, but there is hope. We must find a way to get back to the year 2004 and stop shows like Up Close and Personal and anything with Paris Hilton that isn't shot in night vision from ever ending up on our airwaves! Also, we must not allow our past selves to see us. It could cause a rift in the space-time continuum and bring about circumstances a thousand times worse than the ones I just described.
We must get back to 2004, and I think I know how. Some time ago, I hit my head on the sink while trying to hang a clock in the bathroom. That's where I got the idea for the flux capacitor, the thing that makes time travel possible. In my machine, you can go back to any point in time, but can only go as far forward as the day you went back. So if you left on February 9, 2005, for August 13, 1987, you could go forward to any date between August 13, '87 to February 9, 2005. You could not go to, say, February 10, 2005, even if you were gone for longer than a day. It keeps that point in time-space in it's coordinates. Oh, and it has a cup holder.
Now hurry, we haven't much time. Mechanisms for cataclysmic destruction on a global level have already been put it place, and the only way to save the planet, and probably Mercury, is to go back to the year 2004 and shut down the Beast that churns out reality television. Actually, we'll be in a time machine, so I guess we can leave any time you want.
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