We were talking about the Bourne movies at work and somehow that led me to Yoda backpacks, and then to the Wikipedia page for McDonaldland characters. I don't know how exactly, but I do know that what I saw there confused and frightened me. Tacked on to the last line of the write-up about Grimace, the lovable purple blob that's supposed to represent milkshakes, was the following epitaph: "The character was retained after the streamlining of the characters in the '80s, but was dropped in 2007."
What? What?!! Those sons of bitches! They killed Grimace! And by extension, Uncle O'Grimacey! But that wasn't even the worst of it, apparently Early Bird, the McNugget buddies, the Fry Kids, and even poor, mentally disabled Hamburglar have been raptured up into McDonalds heaven. Leaving only Ronald to traverse the desolate wasteland, alone and broken.
Some may have seen these characters as cold, heartless corporate mascots that contribute to America's growing obesity problem, but screw them. The rest of us saw our childhood; memories of a simple time when Saturday morning was the highlight of the week. Commercials debuted between our favorite shows, revealing what the new Happy Meal toys would be for the next few weeks. They were almost as enthralling as the shows themselves. Sure, most of the time the toy was disappointing, I think one time I got a stencil, but the excitement, the mystery of what would be the next promotion was the driving force. And the "off weeks" when the toy was something lame like a single-color lump of plastic shaped like Ronald McDonald flying a helicopter, only strengthened our interest and wishes that in just a few weeks time, a cooler new promotion would take it's place. Maybe it'd be a tie-in to the latest Disney movie, like Little Mermaid bath toys. It seems like it was usually Disney movies, but I remember (and still own) American Tail Christmas stockings, which never really occurred to me until just now as sort of inappropriate (why is a Jewish mouse on a Christmas stocking?) Sometimes the toy would be McDonaldland-specific, such the Changeables, cheeseburgers and milkshakes that transform into robots accented with late-eighties bright green and purple trimming, or the adorable yet slightly disturbing when you think about it McNugget Buddies.
But before the big reveal for the latest Happy Meal, we'd get a little slice-of-life vignette featuring Ronald and any combination of characters from the McDonaldland stable. Some characters were phased out before I was born, or shortly after, so I never got to see Mayor McCheese, the Professor, or talking, paper-eating trash cans(!) in action. And I wasn't around for Grimace's debut as an evil, six-armed shake snatcher. But the McDonald's near my house did have a hollowed-out fiberglass Big Mac, the beloved constable and best friend of Ronald McDonald, that you could climb into and peer out of his giant burger-shaped head.
I can still remember Birdie learning to fly, Grimace's epic adventure to regain his voice, or the McNuggets taking on Ronald in a sporting event. Those were carefree times, times of vaudevillian puns and talking food who seemingly had no fears of being devoured. Whether they were oblivious to their fate, exempt from it on account of their sentient nature and giant eyeballs, or masochistically looked forward to the day they were chewed into pieces was never really made clear. What is clear, is that those Halcyon days are over. McDonaldland is no more. Queue the sad montage of characters being forced from their homes, as McDonaldland itself crumbles from Utopian magical kingdom to harsh, boarded-up ghost town.
Now Main Street's whitewashed windows and vacant stores
Seems like there ain't nobody wants to come down here no more
They're closing down the textile mill across the railroad tracks
Foreman says these jobs are going boys
and they ain't coming back to your hometown...
With his friends and home ripped away from him, good-natured oaf Grimace could very well revert back to his evil nature. In fact, last year a police sketch artist released a picture of someone who'd been attacking women in the North End, and I couldn't help but think he looked awfully familiar...
Thanks a lot fat kids, you've ruined McDonaldland and precious childhood memories for everyone. I hope you choke on your Apple Dippers.*
* I don't actually hope anyone chokes on anything. Things change, circle of life and all that. But if someone gets the runs because of all this, I wouldn't mind that.
14 comments:
If you ate at McDonalds that often as a child... no wonder you developed a fear of clowns.
I do remember Mayor McCheese though...
It was only once a week, We'd usually have it for dinner on Saturdays when my aunt came to visit, or we'd get a pizza.
Ronald wasn't part of the scary clown cadre. He was a TV personality. The scary ones to me where the ones at the circus and carnivals, the ones that walked right up to you and invaded your territorial bubble.
And don't talk. Ronald talked. Kind of hard to be scared of someone so open and easy to read, despite the white face and red nose. Basically, he just looks like a drunk. Drunks aren't scary... not at all.
I remember Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar. I also remember when chicken mcnuggets were new. I feel so old now. Thanks.
I don't quite remember when McNuggets themselves were new (1980, I was one) but I do remember when they started having McNugget Happy Meals in the mid-eighties, since I don't eat burgers. Until then, I couldn't have Happy Meals myself, I think my aunt would buy a burger Happy Meal, eat it herself and give me the toy, while I had a plain old non-Happy 6-piece McNugget in a Styrofoam container that looked like those luggage things you could rent for your station wagon when you went on road trips.
Once during a first grade field trip to the Hammond Castle Museum, we had McDonald's for lunch and my mom had to specifically ask them in advance (I think she wrote it on the permission slip) to make sure I had a McNugget Happy Meal, and when I opened my box to find a greasy burger, according to witnesses I started "hyperventilating in my fries." I don't think it was as bad as all that, but I was relieved when the mistake was corrected. I seem to remember the people behind the counter being a bit indignant about the whole thing, like why can't this kid eat his damn hamburger, but I may have just created that memory in my mind to cover my hyperventilating. Whatever.
"I remember Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar."
Rubblerubble.
"I feel so old now. Thanks."
I don't think it's your memory that makes you feel old... it's the old guys you lust over. :P
"I don't quite remember when McNuggets themselves were new (1980, I was one)"
Uh, just to pre-emptively clear this up, I meant I was one year old, not that I was one of the McNuggets launched in 1980.
Although some people might get you confused with a chicken, I don't think confusing you with a McNugget will be a problem.
PS Ok. That was mean. Sorry.
Fat kids screw it up for everybody. Not only did they deprive us of Grimace, et. al., but they're the reason why Cookie Monster is now singing songs about fruit.
I'm not sure where to start. I won't mention anything about the fact that you were probably the best little drama queen in Boston. On a totally unrelated note, I once saw a little homosexual boy break into tears and hyperventilate because his sock got bunched up and he couldn't get his shoe off. Hmm...don't know why I just thought of it.
I think a scale should be put next to the cash register. Any kid over a certain weight gets veggies and a gym membership. And the rest of the children who aren't built like a brick outhouse get to enjoy the trans fat of our childhood.
Ow. My pride.
I don't think the scale would be a good idea...when a fat kid is hungry and is denied what he really wants I do not see it ending pretty.
Mayor F'in McCheese.
That is all :)
You may be right. You can't kill the Grimace either... he's been hanging around here for weeks now.
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