The Greatest Thing in the World

I will now attempt a transcript.

Unholy Humpty Dumpty Mutant Eggman thing is sitting on a wall...

Kinder...yibbo shaky!
shakes smaller, non-mutant egg

Me unscrabbly.
unwraps foil cover to reveal chocolate egg inside.

Choca Doobee!
opens chocolate egg to reveal yet another egg, this one made of plastic

Doubly Choco Doobee, ops wubbo! (laughs)
opens yellow plastic egg, tiny plastic man which could possibly be a soldier but on further inspection he's got a red chef's hat on and holding a wooden spoon (also inexplicably red)

Tooooyy!
Mutant Eggman has apparently just eaten some of the chocolate

Yodel yum and choco scrum with multi-pumfabo toys!
picks up a small toy airplane from assortment of Kinder Surprise toys next to him

Oh, grobelee!
moves arms in circular motion; raises eyebrows. outside in the cold distance, a cuckoo cuckoos

Me scooble now. Nogo. Wheee!
Mutant Eggman does the "redrum" finger thing, and freefalls backwards of the wall. Proper British Announcer says "Kinder Surprise from Ferrero."

Discuss.

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Ode to Kimmy

Ahora que es un wenis.

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Why I'm Afraid of Clowns

Earlier this week, Amy was looking at her boyfriend's Myspace page, and someone had left him the cryptic message: "Happy birthday! You are worse than Michael Jackson."

Well that's...open to interpretation. Worse than him at what? Scrabble™? Cutting back on the Jesus Juice? Mini golf?



In the name of science, I decided to do a search for "You are worse than Michael Jackson." and curiously enough, came up with almost 250 results. It seems "You are worse than Michael Jackson" isn't just a passive-aggressive non-sequitur, it's a biting accusation straight from the mouth of curly-booted 80's wrestling icon and Cyndi Lauper video extra The Iron Sheik! Apparently, he's still pretty mad about Wrestlemania III, and has some choice words for Brian Blair. The video is from an interview The Sheik gave last year, barely beating out the twenty-year statute of limitations on holding a grudge over a staged fight in a fake sport.

There. Another mystery solved. But the hypnotic lure and, dare I say, sensual embrace of Youtube kept me online far longer than I'd planned. They've got that list of similar videos on the right-hand column, so from the Iron Sheik video, I jumped over to "Roddy Piper attacks "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka with a coconut". I was never into wrestling, but with a description like that, how can you not watch it? Plus, Snuka is a funny name. Say it out loud and try not to giggle. Snuka. Tee Hee!

Anyway, from there, I went to Crispin Glover's super-crazy 1987 Late Show appearance, which then brought me to the above video for his seminal song "Clowny Clown Clown." Fun Fact: "Clowny Clown Clown" was an early favorite for Record of the Year in some music circles during the infamous 32nd Grammy Awards (the year of Milli Vanilli) but was narrowly edged out by "Wind Beneath My Wings." Another Fun Fact: Not really.

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the Boogieman!

Michele insists I was dreaming, but some kind of horrible thing tried to rip out my life force last night. It rattled me a little bit, almost being sucked right out of my body by unseen forces, and dream or not, I'm still shaking.

I woke up at 3 AM. Why? Because we had KFC for dinner that night and it was trying to escape. Half an hour later, I crawled back into bed, feeling much better. I couldn't really go back to sleep because Michele...well...she snores. I closed my eyes and saw the residual image of the room as a high-contrast negative. That's pretty normal, it happens when you close your eyes after being exposed to bright lights.

But I also saw a door. A door that's not really in the room. And I felt myself being suddenly grabbed and pulled toward it. Not my body; but my spirit, or soul or essence or whatever the hell it is. It was being pulled out of my body by a white...thing. Shapeless. But it was pulling me and I couldn't open my eyes no matter how hard I tried. And I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I tried to, but all I could do was mumbled grunts. Some people would argue that's how I talk anyway, but that was all I could get out because I couldn't move my lips.

Michele heard me and woke up. She took my hand and I could see the white blobby thing that grabbed me slink away into the door that isn't there.

I grabbed on to her after that and pretty much stayed clamped onto her 'til morining. She said it was just a dream but dammit I wasn't asleep; I had just put my head down and I could still hear the wind blowing into the room from the windows.

I say she saved me from the evil thing because if she wasn't there to snap me out of it I would have suffocated. She says this happens to lots of people and the black people in the south call it "riding the witch." Or the witch is riding you. I don't know. Either way, it's creepy. So all these people have the same dream? Or are these things roaming the world, killing people in their sleep? Could it show up in your bedroom tonight?

I'm just glad I went to the bathroom before this happened, or I would have had quite a mess to clean up...

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