Friday, August 01, 2008

My Left Foot

I started to write this over a month ago, then thought better of it and let in languish in Draft Hell, then later thought, this is a perfectly good post. There are some people that don't have any posts. So here you go...

I noticed something this weekend that somehow went undetected for 29 years. Something that shocked and horrified me and left me completely confused as to my very existence. The middle toe on my left foot is the shorter than the rest of them. Well, not the pinky one, but the two on either side of it. It looks like one of the bone segments is missing. This is messed up.

Is it possible that I've somehow overlooked this my entire life? Feet fall slightly above the veiny backside of the wrists as my least favorite body parts, so I suppose my conscious effort to avoid looking at them could have kept me from discovering the horrible truth. The even more unsettling question is this: what if this is only a recent occurrence? What if at some point I actually lost a bone? For two consecutive summers after I graduated high school, I accidentally smashed my bare left foot into the coffee table while turning the corner from the living room to the dining room. Both times, the doctor said you can't exactly put a tiny cast on your toes, so each time it just sort if healed on it's own. Maybe it got smashed so hard and so repeatedly that it's now permanently stuck in a "shy turtle position." I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to make of all this, I'm freaking out.

Well, not long after that, I looked again, and the toe was normal sized again. That makes even less sense than when it looked like a bone was missing. This has left me with an interesting theory and a solid conclusion. The theory is that due to previous damage, sometimes the middle toe on my left foot inexplicably regresses into my foot. And the conclusion? Feet are gross and should not be looked at or thought about under any circumstances.

Missing bones or not, I've always had problems with that foot. Despite my best efforts, the shoelace on my left shoe always comes undone while I'm walking. It's untied right now. On every pair of shoes I've ever had for as long as I can remember, the left lace always comes undone. Double knots do nothing! Occasionally, extra long laces prove to be the culprit, as my right foot will inadvertently step on the excess lace and pull it loose. But I have actually witnessed the lace shake itself undone entirely on it's own, simply by the movement of my foot walking forward. It's maddening.

On the other hand, err, foot, The right shoe is fine. Laces don't magically untie themselves, and the big toe is the largest, with each of the others progressively smaller, just as God intended. So why does my left shoe refuse to stay tied? Does the size-changing toe have anything to do with it?

Zig-zagging up my body, I get pains in my right hip sometimes, but not my left. I guess that's because when you walk, one foot is working in conjunction with the opposite hip. Isn't it? I think my whole body is being thrown out of whack because my left foot is all weird.

And now, in an amazing feat of showmanship (feat...hehe) I will now predict not only who will post the first comment, but what it will say:

Michele said...


trinamick said...

Wow. Your showmanship kinda sucks. But she's right, you know.

Oh, and I suggest you get extra long laces that wrap up around your leg and tie under your pants. I bet that gets rid of the stabbing pains too. Either that, or your leg will turn blue. But then you'll just have more post fodder. You're welcome.

John said...

You picked a lousy time to show yourself.

Suggestions duly noted. And my new prediction is the THIRD comment will be Michele. Crap, she's in some kind of training thing all day. Well, eventually she's gonna say it.

LL said...

Just ignore it and it will all go away.

fermicat said...

If you are going to describe your freakishly disfigured foot in a post, the least you could do is include photos.

John said...

I almost passed out finding the link to the veiny wrists.

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