I walked through the Public Garden on my way to work yesterday morning and I saw a squirrel fall out of a tree. I didn't even know what it was at first, I just saw something drop out of the corner of my eye (I saw it out of the corner of my eye, it didn't drop out of the corner of my eye), followed by a loud thud.
The squirrel was okay, though. He landed in the pond and jumped out as quickly as he fell in. The way he hopped back onto the tree almost looked like the was he fell out, only in reverse. Except that now his once-fluffy tail was all wet and stringy. And he looked pretty mad. I don't know if he was mad because he fell and all his little squirrel buddies saw him, or if he was trying to kill himself but didn't fall from high enough, so now he's just wet and cold. Or maybe, just maybe, he was pushed. Whatever the case, he didn't look happy, which is pretty difficult for a squirrel.
I knew as soon as it happened that that's what I was going to write about yesterday. But as the day went on and more and more faxes piled up in front of me, I realized that wasn't going to happen.
Later in the day, I saw a guy on the corner in front of Starbucks, saying "Will someone just give me some money, please? I ran out of excuses." I'll give him points for originality, Even though he can't hold a candle to this guy:
So, uh, ninjas killed your family, huh?
Yup.
And left you with nothing but the clothes on your back and a peice of cardboard?
And a Sharpie. They are an enigmatic people.
Okay, but if they killed your family, why did you draw little smiley faces?
Well, that's what the ninjas look like. Have you seen them?
Smiley face ninjas? No, can't say that I have. Sorry.
They're just...big spheres with smiley faces on them. They're like...you ever play that old Atari game Berzerk?
Yeah. With that stupid smiley face guy that would kill you. What was that thing called?
Oh, um...something like Art. Argo...
Otto! Evil Otto!
Yeah, that's the guy. These ninja dudes look like Evil Otto from Berzerk. They kill you, and they smile when they do it.
Oh that's creepy.
That's right, so that's why I'm trying to get some cash for some lessons to avenge my family.
Okay. Well, um, here's a dollar. Go get those smiley bastards. And hey...be careful out there.
Hey, thanks man. I will.
I knew as soon as he said it that that's what I was going to write about yesterday. But as the day went on and more and more faxes piled up in front of me, I realized that wasn't going to happen.
Today, I had to run over to Staples to get some cartridge toner for my boss. His printer is in his office, and I've never seen it, so I can never remember what model it is. In the past, I'd just bring the empty container along and have them find one that looks like it. But that always takes too long, because they can never find it, and usually they have to call everyone that works there over to the counter to look for it. Fortunately, last time I noticed that each box has a different picture on it, so now instead of pulling out a crumpled piece of paper that says "S020108, " I just say, "I need the one with the dice on it."
Anyway, on my way to the store, I was nearly hit by a giant, powder-blue sheet of Styrofoam that a strong gust of wind flung in my direction. The wind is unusually strong today, and I heard the thing flying towards me. I have to admit, I wasn't thinking about you guys, because I moved out of the way just in time as it slammed into the trash barrel next to me. If I was thinking of you guys, I would have let it hit me, because reading about someone who was hit by a giant, powder-blue sheet of Styrofoam is a lot more entertaining that reading about someone who was almost hit with one. But I wasn't sure how much it was going to hurt. I mean, yeah, it was light weight, but the wind was really strong and it had some momentum behind it. Plus it's cold out, so the cold air must have made the Styrofoam harder; more solid. Kind of like how a football gets if you leave it out all winter.
I think about that when I'm watching a game in the dead of winter. That ball must be like a rock. Imagine trying to kick one of those things. People are always saying place kickers aren't real athletes, but I'd imagine kicking a cold football any distance must hurt like hell. It's like stubbing your toe for a living. I don't think that's a career I'll be pursuing.
Well, nearly being done in by flying killer Styrofoam was the last straw. I still have a pile of faxes in front of me, but I had to take the time to share that with you, because if I didn't, progressively weirder shit would just keep happening until I wrote about it. So I think I'm safe now. For a little while, anyway.
19 comments:
Listen, my family WAS killed by ninjas and they didn't look like smiley faces. One looked like Milton Bearle and the other looked like Jack Benny, only all dressed up in black. I think you got conned out of a dollar, my friend.
About those faxes: tell Joe to help you.
You're right g_s, it would have been funnier had you been hit by the styrofoam. Missed opportunities... How many people have you ever heard tell the tale of being hit by a giant piece of powder blue styrofoam as they were walking down the street? You could'a been the first...
Don't you realize that we should ALWAYS be on your mind? Well, not always, I guess. Maybe LL doesn't care if you think about him when you're in the bathroom, but I'll pass. But otherwise, you should always be considering how you can spin the day's activities to make them interesting for us. It's a small gesture, but it matters.
You know, if you had said you had gotten hit by the pale blue styrofoam, we wouldn't know you were lying.
It's like stubbing your toe for a living. I don't know why, but I love that line.
I wish you had a picture of that squirrel.
Evil Otto's a bastard. He used to scare the crap out of me as a child - along with those little evil mask things from Super Mario Bros. 2.
Hey, I came up with a bunch of comic book villains who were smiley-face ninjas. Remember?
"Maybe LL doesn't care if you think about him when you're in the bathroom, but I'll pass."
Wow. Now that's something I'd rather not have stuck in my brain. Anyone got an SOS pad they can lend me? :P
Faxinating!
If faxes, squirrels, ninja bereft beggars and then blue styrofoam had been thrown at me in the space of two days, I'd worry about day three.
Oh boy! Time for individually-personalized comments. I love those.
Schprock: I'm sorry for your loss. But the ninjas that attcked your family sound like the Old School Comedians Clan. These ninjas were the rival Smiley Face Ninja Clan. I can't believe I took the time to write this paragraph.
LL: I promise, next time I see a rogue sheet of Styrofoam blow through Park Street, I'll gladly take the hit.
Trina: You know, sometimes when i'm done pinching one out, I look down at what I've just accomplished and think to myself, "Boy, LL would really like this." Wow. I cand believe I wrote this paragraph.
Piñata: Yeah, but then people would ask all these questions, like "How did it feel?" And I"d have to keep making stuff up until it snowballs out of control. It's hard to live with a lie. Message brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Chloe: sorry. I didn't have a camera, and even if I did, It happened way too fast. But it looked like this
The brother: Yes, I do. Remember, that is.
Anonymous: AAAAHHHHH!!!!
Spirit Of Owl: The ninja begger picture I found on the internet. The guy I saw just said "Will someone give me some money, please? I ran out of excuses." So I wasn't too worried about day three. Maybe I should have been, but i'm the kind of guy that likes to live on the edge. Okay. Not really. I'm afraid of dolls, for crying out loud.
I'm afraid of dolls, for crying out loud.
Really?
That is... hysterical.
Well, except for Barbie. She is scary. I swear, if Western civilization falls, it'll be her fault. So.. I guess dolls are scary.
Not Barbie-type dolls, but the ones that open their eyes when you pick them up. I hate those friggin' things.
"My name is Talking Tina, and I don't like you."
Personally, I blame the Twilight Zone and Telly Sovalas for most people's clown and doll phobia. That just wasn't right.
You know what else is creepy? Ventriloquist dummies, especially when they talk without their friend around.
As funny as your post was, John, the comments were just a tad (just a tad, not more than a tad) funnier.
And I agree that you were right to avoid the styrofoam as who knows how hard it was...it could have been like getting hit with a flying piece of plywood. Better safe than sorry, I think.
The comments are ALWAYS funnier than the actual posts.
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No, thank you! Finally, someone's spamming this site. And geez, it sure took you guys long enough. It seemed like everyone else was getting spammed and I was being left out. That really hurt. But now, here it is. Actual, bona-fide spam, from an anonymous automated spambot with links that lead nowhere. Honestly, you have no idea how big a deal this is for me. You guys are great, thanks!!
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