Brain Nuggets

• My brother and I used to have a paper route. There was this old woman that always complained if the paper was ten minutes late. She would leave us a nickel for a tip. She was just a mean old lady. She's dead now.


• Isn't it cool how Tylenol knows exactly where to go when you're in pain? If you have a headache, it soothes your head, if you have back problems, it works on your back. I wish all medications did that. Imagine if you took one of those Plan B pills, but you weren't pregnant, so instead it kills all the egg sacks a spider laid in your ear. That would be really useful.



• In The Matrix, when Neo downloaded kung-fu into his brain, and he says "I know kung-fu," what if it had instead been "I know Shaq-Fu"? would we have been spared those two terrible sequels? Like his Shaq-fu just finishes off all the bad guys at once?
  


• Last summer I toasted marshmallows over a fire pit. I love to burn them beyond recognition. My marshmallow looked like Mel Gibson in The Man Without a Face. It tasted anti-Semitic.


• If I did drugs, I would tell people I'm on a seaweed diet. Then I'd say "I see weed, and I smoke it!" And my friends would all laugh, because they'd probably be high.


• Once when I was a kid, I took my brother's pillow because it was fluffier than mine. That night I had a dream that a creepy old woman wanted me to cut her head in half with an axe, but I didn't want to. So she kept showing up everywhere begging me to do it until I finally did. Scared the ever-loving poop out of me. I never used that pillow again.


• When someone mentions they have black widows in their basement, I always hope they mean that a couple of African-American women who's husbands died are renting their basement. But that's almost never the case.


• I guess it's not right to shoot someone's cat if they come onto your property. That's why I plan on getting a moat. Filled with sharks and broken glass. And lava. And if a cat happens to wander into it, well...


• If you say "sex scandal" a bunch of times, it sounds like "sex candle". And you can actually buy penis-shaped candles, but the thought of a burning willy makes me uncomfortable. I think people use them in voodoo rituals to give their enemies Chlamydia.



• If I was a scientist who didn't wear pants, would people say "He's smart, so he must be onto something!" and they'd all take their pants off too, or would they say "He's not wearing pants, so he must be one of those mad scientists." and storm my lab with pitchforks and torches?


• I think we should all be grateful to our moms for not suing us for domestic violence because we kicked them as a fetus. She could have had all these witnesses come forward and say "It's true. I felt it."


• Sometimes, instead of writing a new post, it's easier to just copy and paste a bunch of stuff you wrote elsewhere and call it something trite like "Pieces of Me" or "Brain Nuggets."

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Or Else What, Mr. Flapjack Sam?

A few years ago, I lent Mr. Schprock my copy of LOST Season 1. He returned it when he was finished, and I let him borrow Season 2. He was ready for Season 3, but I didn't own it yet. I told him he could borrow it as soon as I get it, but then, well..things took a turn.

With only a few episodes left until the series finale, I'm still banking on some of my crazy theories being true. But it wouldn't be fair to spoil my former co-worker by mentioning them here; it's bad enough he still has to work with Joe. So I can't say anything about Frank, or Miles, or Juliet or even Ben. He wouldn't know who they are. Instead, I will regale you with this epic, spoiler-free review by a guy named funk yant.

LOST SUCKS
by funkyant

IF U LIKE LOST ITS BECUASE YOUR GAY. THIS SHOW IS STUPID HERE'S A TYPICAL LOST EPISODE:

JACK: GIVE ME THE GUN SAWYER
SAWYER: NO, HOWDY-DOODY-TOODY
jACK: YOUR GONNA DO WHAT I SAID OR ELSE
SAWYER: OR ELSE WHAT, MR. FLAPJACK SAM?
JACK: I DON'T KNOW. YOUR JUST GONNA DO WHAT I SAID
LOCKE: HAY GUYS, THE ISLAND HAS TOLD ME TO STICK THIS TRANSMITTER UP MY RECTUM!
JACK: NO IT DIDN'T! I HATE YOU!
LOCKE: YOUR THE ONE WHO HATES YOURSELF.
*JACK PUNCHES LOCKE AND THEN GETS A CONSTIPATED LOOK ON HIS FACE*
*SUDENLY EVERYONE LOOKS UP IN A TREE AND SEES A CHICLET*



*CUE GAY ASS TROMBONE*
*CUT TO COMMERCIAL*

Funkyant may not know much in the way of spelling and punctuation, but he sure knows how to weave a good story. I think it's safe to say that I would absolutely watch that episode. Even Alan Dale would watch that episode. Of course, I'd also watch Cue, the Gay Ass Trombone

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Gasification, Baby!

It seems eda's been chatting up a whole bunch of people. Spreading her provocative artistry here, here, even here, on this Spanish-language rock & roll blog. But eda's a ghost; wiped from existence again and again. In all instances, only references to her sexy trouser poetry remain. I guess the world isn't ready to jump wireless the egg.

With eda nowhere to be found, I feared that I would never learn the meaning of "gasification baby." Thankfully, I found tootoomart.com, which appears to be China's answer to Amazon.com. Tootoomart doesn't dabble in anything as ribald as sexy T-shaped trousers, but they do sell inflatable Minnie Mouse chairs for children to fart on.



They even have big name sponsors. Check out this banner ad for the movie 2012:



I have to admit, I thought that movie looked pretty stupid, but that tagline really pulled me in. I might have to rent it afterall.

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Dig Those T-Shaped Trousers, Jack

We are not alone. It may seem that way, with the absence of Trina and NYPinTA (I think she's still mad that I almost broke her face) but make no mistake, there's a new disciple of the House of Squeeg.

I've recently noticed a couple of older posts had comments by someone I didn't recognize, eda, written in what appears to be Chinese characters. What kind of praise could eda be heaping on me? Or was it scathing MSG-laden criticism? I had to find out, so I cut and paste them into babelfish, which I know is not the most accurate translator, but it's a start. Here's what our new friend eda had to say:

"The appeal, G spot, the sexy T-shaped trousers, the appeal, the roll play clothing, the suspenders sock, the T-shaped trousers, the appeal thing, jumps wireless the egg, the men and women, Massages the stick, massages the stick electrically operated, the airplane cup, the video, consoles oneself the wrap, consoles oneself the wrap, the appeal thing, the appeal underwear, The appeal massage stick, consoles oneself the wrap, the roll play, massages the stick, jumps the egg, the appeal jumps the egg. , lubricant, SM, underwear, sexy underwear, self-consolation, gasification baby, AV,"

And then it just stops, with a comma. An obvious spambot, you say? Quasi-erotic jibberish, you say? Maybe if you live in Squaresville, Clyde. But dig this; imagine some cat hitting the skins over this clambake in a smokey, dimly lit room. I'm hep to eda's scene, and I dig it.


The appeal, G spot, the sexy T-shaped trousers,
the appeal, the roll play clothing, the suspenders sock,
the T-shaped trousers, the appeal thing,
jumps wireless the egg,
the men and women, Massages the stick,
massages the stick electrically operated,
the airplane cup,
the video,
consoles oneself the wrap, consoles oneself the wrap,
the appeal thing,
the appeal underwear,
The appeal massage stick,
consoles oneself the wrap,
the roll play, massages the stick, jumps the egg,
the appeal jumps the egg. ,
lubricant, SM, underwear, sexy underwear,
self-consolation, gasification baby,
AV,

I can almost hear you snapping your fingers in approval. Alas, in my haste, I deleted eda's comments, because at the time, I thought Chinese characters about T-shaped trousers and airplane cups was a bunch of jive. But now I see what I fool I was! I hope I didn't scare you off, eda. I hope you come back and lay some more groovy riffs on us. In fact, I wrote you a little something.
Slap that bass, daddy-o:

eda, sweet eda
so trust-ing
so know-ing
so love-ed?

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The Secret of HeteroNYMH

I was just sitting here and the word "predicated" popped into my head. Then I started thinking and realized that I don't remember ever actually saying or writing that word in my entire life. I've obviously heard it before, and probably even thought it a few times, but it's never escaped my head until just now. That's a long time for a word to be trapped in someone's brain. I wonder if his escape was like the Shawshank Redemption.

Stranger still is that while I've never used the word predicate--that's the verb predi-KATE, as in "To carry the connotation of; imply" or "To base or establish"--in school I used predicate--as in predi-KIT, "one of the two main constituents of a sentence or clause, modifying the subject and including the verb, objects, or phrases governed by the verb"--in English class several times.

See, they're heteronyms; words that are spelled the same but have different pronunciations and meanings. Wikipedia decided to give and example using animal porn:

Do you know what a buck does to does?

The verb predicate is a good, solid word. I should start using it. But...I feel like if I start now, it's going to sound forced. That's no good. I've got to let the words flow naturally. In the meantime, take a look at this word:

supermarionation

If you are of a certain age, you'll probably pronounce it as super-marion-ation, the puppetry technique used in the 1960s by British producer Gerry Anderson, and more recently by the South Park guys in Team America: World Police.

They used to air reruns of Supermarionation shows like Stingray, Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlet on the...ugh...SyFy Channel. They also ran another Anderson show from the 80s using Supermacronation called Terrahawks which featured a terrifying witch lady and a puppet that looked like Roy Scheider in SeaQuest.



But there's another, ever-growing segment of the population unaware of creepy old puppets which will read the word as Super Mario Nation, possibly thinking it's the url for a Nintendo fansite. (It's not. I checked. Talk about missed opportunities.)

It's a generational thing. I guess your age predicates how you pronounce supermarionation. Hey, look at that! Did I use it correctly, or should it be the other way around?

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