Same Crap. Different Day.

Yeah, I know the last thing a wrote about was a giant floating turd breaking loose and wreaking havoc, and I'd really rather not have two back-to-back poop stories, but remember when Shaun the Homeless Black Guy and Sandra Bernhardt left a present in front of our office? Well, it happened again. Of course, we can't be certain exactly who's been laying bricks out there, since everyone's a suspect.

But somebody did it. And it's been there since Monday. That's not really a smell that you want to start your week off with. The guilty party did have enough shame to cover it with the foil wrapper from a burger. I didn't really examine the thing to see if it was from McDonalds or Burger King, but regardless of what the wrapper said, underneath was definitely a Whopper.

Again, in addition to our little graphic design outfit, this building houses, an art gallery, two salons (one of which is called Isoci, which I guess is pronounced EE-SO-SEE, but I always say it as i-socky) and whatever the hell they do on the fourth floor. Those places rely on walk-in business. Well, you probably have to get an appointment first, but you still have to literally walk in, and an unholy smell emanating from a lumpy burger wrapper plopped right by the front door just might dissuade you from going in. You'd think a building manager would want to do something about it right away, right? But after several calls made throughout the day to inform someone about the situation, all that happened is someone came and dumped some water on it. Which made it worse, because now it's all mushy and spread out! You've got to scrub that stuff, man! Then, they just dropped a stack of magazines on top of it. Even today, three days later, the streaks are still there. And this morning, on the sidewalk just a few feet away, there was more! I think this latest batch came from someone's dog, and some poor sap stepped right in it so it's smeared all over and there's chunks shaped like faint footprints. I don't want to go outside anymore.

I guess I'm fortunate to be gainfully employed, and, same as last year, I'm trying to get a second job. Still no luck, though. I went to a few places last night, so hopefully something will stick. Why the hell can't I get hired? Come to think of it, I'm not even sure how I got my current job. I started as an intern, then everything went black, and then it was this morning.

I want to be Billy Mays, the bearded screaming infomercial guy. That guy never needs help finding work. And I could totally do his job. I can yell at the top of my lungs about Orange Glo. I have a blue shirt. What else is there? I guess I'd have to grow a beard. And smile a lot. Actually, I don't want to be Billy Mays at all, I just wanted to talk about how he's branched out from shilling Oxi Clean and Kaboom to inexplicably pitching health insurance. It makes sense. Why not get your health insurance from the same guy who sold you Zorbeez? But wait, there's more! In his newest commercial, he's plugging windshield wipers called GatorBlades (not to be confused with the Gator Mulcher Blade, a lawnmower blade that's home page is www.gatorblade.com) To demonstrate the awesome wiping power of the GatorBlades, the amazing new wiper blade that outperforms others, guaranteed, Billy whips out this thing that looks like a leaf blower/Supersoaker and yells, "THIS IS A BUG BAZOOKA! INSIDE ARE HUNDREDS OF BUGS!" Then he pulls the trigger, and bug guts splatters all over the window with an extremely satisfying THUD. "THEY HIT THE WINDSHIELD AT OVER A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR!!"

The commercial then goes on and on about the secret of GatorBlades clean-sweep diamond technology that cleans and wipes at the same time. But screw the GatorBlades. They're just windshield wipers for Christ's sake. Where can I get a bug bazooka? That is possibly the greatest and most important invention in the last 500 years, if not all of human history. How many people do you just want to shoot in the face with hundreds of bugs at over a hundred miles an hour? I can think of a few. I'd keep one at my desk and every time Joe clomps in here to say something asinine, BLAM! Face full of bug guts. And maybe our mystery pooper would think twice about dropping trow in front of our building after getting their ass tattooed bugshot. I guess the only downside is everyone knows the bug bazooka's only weakness. GatorBlades.

Watch Billy Mays fire the bug bazooka into a windshield here

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You Don't Know What I'm Up Against

Well, the good news is I didn't have to wait until Wednesday. This email was waiting for me in my inbox last night.

Thank you for your interest in an opportunity with Apple retail. At this time we have chosen to move ahead with candidates who better meet the business needs today. We wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Thank you again for your time and interest in Apple Inc.

So that's it. I'm boned. I did really good Friday, I know I did. I mean, I would have bought something from me. But it wasn't good enough. They tell you that you don't have to pressure customers and selling isn't a big deal because people come in four times before they buy something, but they're full of shit. All they care about is if you can get someone to buy their overpriced crap. Clearly having an extensive history using the product first hand holds no bearing. I've been using these stupid computers on a daily basis since high school. Whenever one of them starts acting wonky at work, I'm usually the one that figures out the problem and how to fix it. That is, unless Joe discovers it first and immediately calls IT to have someone come in on the company dime. Did I really just write "the company dime?" God. Well, whatever, the point is, it takes maybe thirty seconds to look up the problem on the internet, and more than likely you'll find someone who had the exact same problem and, more importantly, a way to fix it. And it costs nothing! Why is that so hard to do?

I think I got a little off track. What I'm getting at is I'm well versed in Apple computers. Apparently, that means absolutely dick to them. What is it you want? In the depths of your ignorance, what is it you want?

What they want, what they mean by someone who can "better meet the business needs today," is retail experience. I've never worked retail, so I could be Steve Jobs and they wouldn't hire me. And that's understandable, but what about all these teenagers that work retail as their first job? How did they get hired? It's not that I can't do it, it just that I haven't done it yet. Is this going to happen at every retail place? Am I so colossally awful that no one will even give me a chance?

And people come in four times before they buy something? Really? And they don't look at the price until the third time. Really? They have to know it's there. This isn't The Price is Right, there's no cardboard placard covering up the retail value, the first time you come into the store BAM! the price is plainly displayed. It's the first thing I look at when I got to a store. I can't for one minute believe that anyone not suffering for deep-rooted psychological problems would walk into a store three times before "asking" a salesperson how much something costs, only to have the salesperson tell them THE EXACT SAME THING THAT'S WRITTEN ON THE DAMN SIGN THAT'S BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME! I know when they give these little examples they're not meant to be taken literally, but nothing about that whole four times thing makes any sense at all. People browse. That's all they need to say. Four times. Give me a break.

Screw Apple and their smug commercials. Justin Long seems like a good enough guy, but if I ever meet him in person I kind of feel like I have to punch him in the face.

I don't know where this leaves me now. I've got a list of places that I've applied to multiple times since the summer, but I think if I apply to them any more times I'm going to get hit with a restraining order. I haven't tried Circuit City yet. Actually, I didn't even think about Circuit City until last night, since I haven't even been in there since Best Buy opened, and that was about ten years ago. But if I were to work there, maybe I'd be persuaded to spend some of my paycheck there...so what do you say, Circuit City? Will you let me sit on the couch with John Elway and Mike Ditka, or are you going to be dicks like Apple?

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Mulligan!

I got to take that Apple hiring seminar thing again on Friday. I won't here back from them until Wednesday, but I feel a lot better about my chances this time. If I don't get hired, I'm going to have to start thinking about selling body parts. Anyone need a healthy liver?

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Ever See An Apple That Could Take A Bite Outta You?

I don't have the hiccups anymore. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice. Unfortunately, I've spent every waking hour the past couple of months filling out applications for part time jobs and not one callback. It's the holiday season. Everyone is hiring, how hard can it be to get a job, right?

I don't know how many of you have every taken that 30-page personality test that accompanies nearly every online application, but if you have, and then went on to actually get the job, I ask you, what kind of crazy magic voodoo did you use to pass that thing? I've taken it for Best Buy, Borders, AMC Movie Theaters, Petco, Staples, Home Depot...always the same stupid questions. After several weeks of not hearing anything, I went into Best Buy and Borders to talk to an actual person and get an interview. The response at both places was that you can only apply on the computer, either at the store or online, and if you didn't score high enough on the personality test, the application isn't even sent to them. What is so important about that idiotic test? Don't those stupid assholes know there's nothing wrong with my personality?

Here's one of the statements, and in case you've never taken one of these before, each question is answered by a response of either "Strongly agree", "Agree," "Disagree," or "Strongly disagree":

You do things carefully so you don't make mistakes.

Does that mean "You do things carefully to avoid mistakes," or "You do things carefully. Therefore, you do not make mistakes"? The first statement means that you're efficient, which is what they're looking for, so you'd agree. But the second interpretation implies infallibility. And since no one is infallible, you are either lying or extremely arrogant--neither traits sought after by employees--so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. I mean, say agree.

What about this one:

You like to be in the center of a large crowd.

Well that depends, which way is the crowd facing? Is it facing in at me, in which case, why didn't they just ask the more straightforward question "Do you like to be the center of attention?" Or are they facing out away from me, as in "Do you like to blend in with the crowd?" And which one would they prefer? Are they looking for someone who's outgoing and proactive about helping customers as opposed to an introvert who scares away children, or are they trying to weed out the prima donnas (quick sidenote, I though it was pre-Madonnas until I was in High School) and loudmouths who spend all day talking to their friends instead of helping customers. It could go either way. Poorly written, ambiguous questions. God, I hate this test.

Then last week, I filled out an application for the Apple store. Guess what?! They don't have that ridiculous test! I was finally starting to feel good about a part time job. Optimistic, even. I just may save Christmas after all!

I got to the store last night, just before it closed. They ushered out all the customers, closed the doors and then me and five other guys sat at the back of the store with two employees, who showed us a couple of video presentations and slide shows. Did you know Apple opens 9 stores a day? Or that they generate over $4,000 per square foot per year? Or that Mac OSX Leopard turns water into wine? By the time the show was over, I couldn't wait to start working for the best company in this or any other time period in the history of mankind.

But first, a little test. The six of us were split into two groups of three, and asked to pick a product, either an iPhone, iPod, or Mac, and talk it up during a two minute drill to try and persuade our Apple employee hosts, who posed as a couple, into buying it.

My group chose the iPod. There was a Nano in a speaker display close to where we were sitting, so I suggested we get up and check it out. Man, those things are tiny. We examined it, one guy pulled out his Mastercard to confirm that the Nano is, in fact, considerably smaller than a credit card. I ran off a string of features, from the variety of colors available to the benefits of both the 4G and 8G models. I was doing pretty good.

Then the actual drill began. The other group went first. They picked the iPhone. The first guy started off explaining the phone itself and it's ease of use. He then passed it on to the next guy to talk about the iPod functions of the phone, and finally handed it off to the third member of the group, who talked about the remaining features and applications. Having three people try to sell you something seems a little impractical, but I've got to admit, they did a good job. The happy couple bought four hypothetical iPhones.

When it was our turn, we hadn't really thought out delegating who says what, and I was the last one to speak, so by the time it got to me, nearly everything that we'd thought of, including all my stuff, had already been said. I literally said something like, "It's small...headphones...um...I'm sorry. I died." All week long I was so excited about going to this thing. It's something I knew I could do, and I was filled with confidence, which never happens. But then, in that moment, I just completely blanked. The only way it could have gone any worse was if I accidentally set them on fire.

When I got outside, I thought to myself, "Questions! I should have asked if they had any questions!" Even if everything had already been said, I still could have answered any questions they might have had. And if I really couldn't think of anything, the saving grace would have been to mention the free personal shopping. If the store is busy or about to close, or if a customer just wants your undivided attention, they can sign up for a personal shopping appointment, which means that on a specific day and time, the customer can come in and speak to you for like an hour and a half. It's a great idea, actually, and a nice cop-out if your drawing a blank during a fake sale. "Actually, we'll be closing in a few minutes, but if you'll come over here, I can set you up for a personal shopping appointment and we can talk more about the Nano in detail tomorrow." Yeah, that's absolutely what I should have said. It would have covered the fact that the other two guys already went over everything and would have shown I was paying attention during the presentation.

But instead, they got, "It's small...headphones...um...I'm sorry. I died." Damn it. I just ruined Christmas.

Then I thought about earlier during the presentation, when the woman asked if anyone noticed that all the Apple stores only have the logo on the front, without any words. She asked if we could think of any other company that could do that and it would still be recognizable to people. I don't know why, but the first thing I thought of was when the Batman movie came out in 1989 and the poster was just the Batman logo. I remember this because at the time I was ten, and wasn't into comic books, so I didn't recognize it as the Batman logo. In fact, I didn't see a bat at all. I was looking at the yellow part, thinking it was teeth, and the black part was a big, open mouth. I wondered what movie was about some guy with big, crooked yellow teeth.



It's not that I'd never heard of Batman. I was well aware of Batman, and even had a few Batman toys, but they all had that 60s Batman logo, where it's his head and cape with the word Batman on it. Anyway, that's the first thing I thought of, and when she asked, I said, "Batman."

"Oh. Well, yes, if Batman had a store, they could use the logo on the front." (polite chuckling ensues)

Crap, that's not what I meant! I was just giving an example of logos being used with identifying text. And it was a good example. How did it end up making me sound like the special ed kid in kindergarten? Can I even show my face in that store again?

Maybe this doesn't mean anything. One of the things they said was that Apple employees don't work on commission, so not making a sale isn't a big deal. They also said customers usually come into the store four times before the make a purchase; first to look it over, second to ask questions, third to find out the price, and finally to buy. So assuming the test couple were in asking questions about the iPod, that'd be there second visit and they'd still have to more times before they make a purchase, right? So I'm good. It's cool. It's totally cool. I did all right. Please, God, let me do all right. I'll find out by Wednesday. I really need this job.

In happier news, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox on winning the World Series. You know what that means...it's PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! Or something.

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