You know those round tins of fancy butter cookies that every grandmother in America is required to have in her house at all times? Well my boss just came back from lunch with one of them and announced that she brought cookies for the office. Yay, cookies! But it turns out she had ulterior motives.
It seems her daughter's pet gerbil, Tom Brady, died last night and she needed something to bury him in. So she bought a tin of cookies and told us it needs to be empty by the time she leaves for the day. So we're eating out of a casket. Great, thanks for that.
Sadly, Brianna's own pet gerbil Nibbles also recently passed on. She too got a tin box send-off, although hers was an empty one we found in our garage as opposed to someone saying, "Hey, finish off these cookies, I've got a dead animal to stick in here!"
Over the years, my parents' backyard has become the final resting place of many a beloved pet. Scattered around the edge of the property line in shallow, unmarked graves are half a dozen guinea pigs, two gerbils, two parakeets and a cockatiel. Tin boxes became the tomb of choice after wild animals dug up and ate the remains of pets buried in cardboard boxes. Even the stray cat we found laying lifeless by my grandmother's shed one day was dug up and eaten the night we buried it. The next day, all that was left was a hole in the ground and a few swatches of fur.
I don't know what's out in those woods that's eating these things; wild cats, coyotes, scrunts...but whatever they are, my grandmother used to go out to the edge of the woods with plastic microwave dinner trays filled with anything from steak to salmon to manicotti for them to eat. Just like Betty White in Lake Placid. Just to make sure you understand this now, a little old lady shuffles out into the woods at dusk to feed whatever dug up and devoured an entire cat.
Speaking of my grandmother, she's now living at a rehab center just a few minutes away from the house. She's doing okay, but she keeps asking for her girdle. At least she's not out in the woods feeding salisbury steak to wolverines.
8 comments:
I'm betting that the cookies tasted better after you knew the whole story. Was Schprock still on vacation? He misses out on all the fun...
I kinda hate to ask, but what did Joe have to say?
RIP little gerbil. Were the cookies good? And yes, I second the request to hear what Joe had to say about this momentous occasion.
You grandma sounds sweet, feeding all those wild critters. I can't believe the girdle is what she misses enough to ask for. I'd be thinking "freedom at last!" or something like that.
I don't know that wolverines eat salisbury steak. They've always seemed to prefer McRibs in this area.
I don't know where any of my pets are buried. Most of them disappeared under the wheel or in the fan belt of a sibling's vehicle, and they lied to me and told me they ran away. So for years, instead of knowing that my family were homicidal maniacs, I just thought all my pets hated me.
Grandma Moses brings those cookies to work all the time, never knowing that I hate them. She hides them from New Girl, and brings me extra. Ooh, yummy.
Schprock is still on vacation. And I didn't have any of the cookies. But they were gone within an hour. I think Joe inhaled them.
'Nibbles - NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!'
I never even got to say goodbye.
"Over the years, my parents' backyard has become the final resting place of many a beloved pet."
I'm pretty sure I used this *exact* line when I wrote about this same thing last October. Anyone recall? 'The Thing In the Woods'?
What a thief! Stealing from other peoples blogs. Tsk tsk.
Sorry about Brianna's gerbil. Sucks when a pet dies. I don't have any buried in my back yard however, but I do have the ashes of one cat that I do intend to bury once I finally get my own house. Kind of a sad thing to look forward to.
Were they animal crackers at least?
"I'm pretty sure I used this *exact* line when I wrote about this same thing last October. Anyone recall? 'The Thing In the Woods'?"
I reread that one and didn't see anything resembling that line. Although even if I did, what's the name of your blog again? I was just doing what I was told.
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