There's Guns in Them Thar Hills!

I've always really liked where I live. We have a large backyard and lots of woods. There's a path in the woods that leads to a river and waterfall. It's only a few feet high, but...do you have a waterfall? Didn't think so.



Anyway, there's a path that leads to my grandmother's house and for the past two weekends, I've been cleaning up the path and making it look nice after years of neglect and several storms left it looking creepy and foreboding.

My brother Glenn and I also cleaned up the hill leading up to my grandmother's house (you can either go up the hill or through the woods...or just use the driveway like normal people.) My neighbor's house used to be a mill and the guy that lived there many years ago used the hill to dump his trash. For as long as I can remember, we'd find old glass bottles, license plates, and Schlitz beer cans on the hill, usually after a rainstorm uncovered them.

But this weekend as we raked all the leaves off and cut back the thorn bushes, Glenn uncovered two rusty old guns, or at least the barrels. The stocks and everything else were gone, but burried together was a rifle and a shotgun.





First the creepy hut, now we're finding old guns.

Who knows why they were burried there. This guy dumped all his trash on that hill, so it's more likely that he just threw them out than if he hid them to cover some sordid crime. Maybe his mama put them in the ground because he can't shoot them anymore.

I'd like to know exactly what kind they are and how old they are. I don't know the first thing about guns, so for all I know they could just be BB guns. But they look really old. And anything over 100 years old that you find in the ground is cool.

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The Secret of Bare Cove

Like the Hardy Boys before us, (the teen sleuths, not the wrestlers) my friends and I have discovered the secret of someplace. Yes, we have uncovered the grisly truth of behind the secret of Bare Cove. Or we would have, if we hadn't bolted like Kenyan marathon runners as soon as we heard someone coming.

Here's what went down: Last month we were sitting around Nick's house trying to decide how to spend our Sunday afternoon, when it was suggested that we buy some disposable cameras and go around taking pictures of random stuff. Maybe it was the ammonia emitting from the ferret cage, but we thought it was a good idea and we were soon on our way.

After taking a few pictures at Nantasket Beach, we drove to Bare Cove, the type of large wooded area where people go to walk their dogs or to write 10,000 page manuscripts on the evils of technology. It didn't take long for us to veer off the paved path to explore the woods. Eventually, we came to a suspicious pair of women's shoes.


Two red pumps. I think they were pumps. I don't really know what the hell a pump is, but it sounds good: two red pumps. Abandoned shoes in the middle of nowhere are a little disturbing. But not as much a hut made out of tree branches sitting on a hill that overlooks abandoned shoes in the middle of nowhere.





We went up to investigate the hut. It was small; made out of branches and twigs, and what looked like maybe a piece of broken old fence for a door. There was a jacket inside. Outside, there was a hacksaw with a bright orange handle sticking out under the dead leaves.



I'm sure there's many explanations for what we found. Maybe the hut was a Cub Scout project or some handy junkies home, and completely unrelated to the shoes scattered below. It's not like I saw any blood on the hacksaw, although I didn't exactly get close enough to investigate. We all ran away when we heard someone coming. Maybe it was just a jogger. Or a squirrel. But no one wanted to stick around to find out. I'm too young to be skinned alive and worn as a coat.

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Spleen Day

April 2.

This day may not hold much meaning to most people, but to my friends and me, it will forever be known as Spleen Day. Yes, on this day in 1996, Nick got smacked around like an angry rag doll and wound up in the hospital minus a superfluous organ.

We were juniors in high school. I was sitting in homeroom, probably doodling skulls and bunnies, when Jim burst into the room, laughing hysterically.

"Nick's nose exploded!"

"What?!"

"There's blood everywhere!"

Jim explained what had happened. Apparently, Nick had some words with someone outside the building. I think Nick made fun of his girlfriend or something. I don’t know. I was sitting at my desk, channeling my own teenage angst into demented little scribbles in the margins of my notebook. But the point is, things started to heat up, and Nick got punched in the face, spilling forth what I can only imagine was a crimson torrent from his nose. That probably would have been more than enough for someone to get their point across, but it didn't stop there. He was also kicked in the side, which ruptured his spleen and set up the subsequent hospital stay. All this before school even started. It was an interesting day.

Ironically, the school was having a blood drive that day. Really. The joke was that all the blood collected went to Nick, either that or all the blood he left on the dirt outside was mopped up and donated to the Red Cross.

Nick was laid out for a few weeks, while the other kid with the silly poodle haircut was suspended and told if he got into another fight within so many days he’d be expelled.

Nick has since proclaimed that April 2 be known as Spleen Day, and while the greeting card companies haven't jumped on it yet (Happy Spleen Day, Grandma!), it's significant enough to be the date of Nick and Hedie's wedding next year. Easier to remember the anniversary that way.

Who knows? Maybe it'll catch on. Or maybe not. But for a select few, it will always be remembered as the day Nick got the ever-loving crap kicked out of him by a drugged-out lunkhead.

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The Tao of Joe II

You already know that in order to speak Joe you must tirelessly spew out-of-date and often misquoted catchphrases from television and movies. And that, whenever possible, speak in a poorly-executed lame accent. Here's your next lesson in Joespeak: Jaberwokify your speech.

The man makes up his own damn words! He's all Don Kingafied with his imaginarilacious wordiology. Usually, if he's referring to something and/or someone, he'll combine them with something similar (example: rather than saying "Absolute Delivery is at the door", Joe says "Absolut Vodka is at the door." Granted, that's not making up words, but it sure as hell screws up people that don't know how the little hamster wheel in his head works. But it doesn't stop there. He'll also pick a word in his sentence and add "-age" to it. So the already confusing "Absolut Vodka is at the door" becomes "Absolut Vodka is at the doorage." Throw in that idiot gurgle noise of his and you now officially can speak Joe:

Sane people: Absolute Delivery is at the door.

Joespeak: Absolut Vodka is at the doorage. Arrrughgurghrgh.

I can't even make this stuff up. When told that he has to superscript a registered trademark symbol, he said, (in a horrid Hindu accent, no less) "Okay. I forgotage that." Here are some more examples of things he's actually said:

"Time to cook the lunch-ed."

"I said hancock. Arurururgururgrurah!"

"I've got you're nice right here."

"I've got to go to the Cape (Cape Cod) tonight. Arrurrghurrurragh!"

By the way, even as I'm writing this, Joe just let out three "Arrurrghurrurah"s within five minutes of each other. He's on pace to break his own record. This guy's the Barry Bonds of repetitive annoying noises.

"You are all poo-ly poo lickers!" (Have I mentioned he's almost 50?)

"Na na na, na nana na, na na na na nananna na. The Banana Splits. Arhrhrhrahgghg"

"I'm off to the posty office."

"I'll see you boys in the 'A' and 'M'." (He says this every day before he leaves. When he comes in every morning, it's "Gutentagen!")

"TELEMUNDO SEGUNDO!!"

The important thing to remember here is that when he says these things, he's not actually talking to anyone in particular. He's just...saying it. "You sir, are a pooly poo-licker" And all you can think is "Is he talking to me? What does that even mean? Is he seven years old? God, my brain hurts."

He once said "Literature" in different accents for ten minutes. Sometimes I wonder if his brain works properly. I'd hate to call him the office jerk if he's really just the friendly office retard, like Benny Stulwicz in LA Law.

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The Tao of Joe

For almost two years now, I have endured the inane, tear-inducing prattle of inarguably the World's Most Annoying Co-Worker, Joe. I do not say that lightly. He has earned the title, believe me.

First off, he has stupid/annoying nicknames for everyone. We have a client named Dara and every time... every time he says her name, he refers to her as "Dara Dingle." I don't think I need to say that her last name isn't Dingle.

One woman's last name is Holmes, who according to Joe, is John Holmes' wife. Not only is that not funny, but that burns the unsavory image of Joe watching porn into my poor innocent retinas. He doesn't even try to change it up, you know, like by sometimes saying "Sherlock's daughter" or something. It's always "John Holmes' wife."

Another woman's last name is "Knox." Mention her name to Joe and he'll sing-song back that she has big knockers. Wow. Sexist and unfunny.

And he's loud. He taps his fingers on the desk. Granted, pretty much everyone does that, myself included, but he does it VERY loudly. And he taps his feet. Really, it's more like stomping. He even types loud. I usually have my headphones cranked way up, but sometimes, like a movie monster that just won't die, he actually overpowers the music. Even Rammstein is no match for Joe.

A Joe-ku:
Tried to block him out
But he keeps getting louder
Touché, Joe. Touché.

There's more, so help me God, there's more. Like the voices. He thinks he can do voices. Rich Little would be spinning in his grave if he were dead. And he takes our names and incorporates them into whatever song is playing on the radio. Sometimes the song isn't even playing on the radio; he just starts what I will generously call "singing" for no apparent reason. Not only does he think this is clever, but he must think it continues to be so after doing it several times a day, every day...for TWO FRIGGIN' YEARS!

He likes to come up behind you and put his hand on your shoulder, look at whatever is on your screen and say "Ooooh, preeeetttttyyyyy." I usually sit perfectly still in silence until he says "well, I'll let you get back to work." and clomps back to his desk.

But perhaps most annoying of all are the handful of catchphrases he spews out several times a day. I think if you recorded Joe's entire lexicon onto paper, odds are it would scarcely be as thick as a Monday newspaper. So it may seem odd to request he diminish his already weak repertoire, but I think the time to put some "classic" Joe-isms to rest is long overdue. Every one of these he uses at least once a day, every day. If Pavlov were around today, he'd be moist with jubilation at the prospect of studying such a creature. And so, I present the following phrases and sentences that should hereby be banned from escaping Joe's lips under pain of death. Or at least severe internet mockery.

Banned Joe-isms

10. "I've got your ________ right here!"
Reason: While used sporadically and appropriately, this crude response can actually be humorous at times, but given Joe's complete lack of comedic timing and wit, coupled with the fact that he uses it as a stock response for everything--inexplicably in most cases-- maybe it's time to wrap it up, put it in a box, put the box in a trunk, chain and lock the trunk, set it on fire, and dump it at the bottom of the ocean.

9. "That's what she said"
Reason: Again, this isn't even funny when used correctly, but the way Joe uses it defies all logic. (example: I'll say "I'm going to the post office." and he'll respond with "That's what she said!") Maybe in Joe's mind, saying this turns even the most innocent of comments into a sexual reference. I don't think Joe really has a grasp of the subtle art of double entendre, but as Joe would say "I've got you're double entendre right here!"

8. "Excellent, Smithers! All we need now is the Jade Monkey!"
Reason: Hey, who doesn't like a good "Excellent, Smithers" to punctuate a job well done? The problem is Joe always...ALWAYS follows it up with "all we need now is the Jade Monkey" Why? Why is it always the Jade Monkey? And how is it possible that whenever he says it, it's as if he's said it for the first time?

Oh, and thanks to my brother Ryan for getting the actual dialogue from The Simpsons:
Mr. Burns: You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: We found the Jade Monkey, sir. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps and ice scrapers?
Smithers: They were there, too.
Mr. Burns: Excellent. It's all falling into place.

He's not even doing it right!!! He said it to Homer, not Smithers. It was the episode where Homer goes back to college. "Hello, Dean. You're a stupid head."

Misquoting the Simpsons should be against the law.

7. "Holy D'Artagnan, Batman!"
Reason: I'm not really up on my 60's Batman, but I'd guess this was only said once on the show, if at all. As you may know, Robin's shtick on the old Batman show was to say "Holy something-related-to-the-plot, Batman!" But Joe always says "Holy D'Artagnan, Batman!" Not "Holy molten lava, Batman!" Or "Holy flying monkeys, Batman!" It's always "Holy D'Artagnan, Batman!" and it's said without a whiff of explanation. And unless D'Artagnan is French for "Joe's a moron" it just doesn't work in every situation.

6. "Hassan Chop"
Reason: The relevance of this one eluded me for the longest time. He'll blurt it out several times over the course of the day, again with no explanation whatsoever. Although saying "chop" or anything that rhymes with "chop" often triggers him to counter with "Hassan...CHOP!"

Apparently it's a reference to an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. But even though I now know where it comes from, I still can't comprehend why he says it all the time. I guess it's the same reason he does anything, whatever the bloody hell that happens to be. Stonehenge? The pyramids? These mysteries will be solved before anyone can even begin to try and figure this one out. I don't even want to figure it out; I just want it to go away.

5. "You...are...our...last...hope"
Reason: Here's a little story for you: one day, Joe saw the movie Galaxy Quest. The next day, and every day since then, he has imitated--poorly--that line from the movie. I liked Galaxy Quest, but Joe is single-handedly destroying it for me. Thanks, Joe.

4. "Three shall be the number, the number shall be three"
Reason: Often chased with "four shall not count," Joe's cringe-worthy faux British accent and extreme overuse of this Monty Python line makes you wish you actually had a holy hand grenade to throw at him. Or a cow.

3. Anything in the
A. Stock Southern Accent
Reason: What causes a grown man whose name isn't Robin Williams to break into a southern accent in the middle of a conversation? Sounding as authentically Southern as instant grits, Joe finds time in his hectic schedule to pepper gems like "Lurlene, I looove you", "The boy's touched in the heeeead" and "What song is it that you want to hear?" throughout his befuddling Tourette's-esque syntax. If the South does indeed rise again, I think their first target should be Joe.

B. Stock British Accent
Reason: Every day at 3:00, Joe walks down stairs to make a "Spot 'o tea." And every day at 3:00 Joe stands at the top of the stairs and asks "Would anyone care for a spot 'o tea?" That's bad. But not as bad as his Austin Powers' "Yeah baby!"

Already in the pantheon of overused catchphrases, Joe's take on "Yeah baby" has to rank near the top of all time worst impersonations. It's impossible to describe in writing, but somewhere between "Yeah" and "baby" he morphs into the Big Bopper. If you don't get that one, ask your parents.

2. "Arurrggrrururur"
Reason: I can't tell you how long it took me before I figured out what he was even trying to do here. A submarine? Chewbacca's mating call? Apparently, whenever Joe makes this horrible gurgling noise (which is more often than any one person should have to endure) he's trying to imitate Barney Gumble from The Simpsons. As Comic Book Guy would say, "Worst. Impression. EVER!" Really. It's not even close. And he does it every time he screws up...in other words, he does it a lot.

1. "What if I don't want to?"
Reason:It may take a few years to do enough research on the subject to make it official, but I think this may be the number one all-time most annoying response to a question in recorded history. Ever. And not only does he says it whenever you ask him to do anything (or anyone else; yes he actually says things like "What if he/she/it doesn't want to?"), but he makes the "I just said something clever" face when he says it. Every time. Every damn time. Unbelievable.

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