For Whom the Bellhorn Tolls

Alright, take a good look at him. Bellhorn. The Bell-man. The Bellmiester. I don't know why, but I get more hits from that picture than any other thing on this site. Even more than the Steve Perry picture, and that's saying something. We're talking several searches from all over the world a day, every day. If you do a Google image search for "bellhorn," it's the first image that comes up. I guess my question is, why are so many people looking for pictures of this guy? It even showed up on an Oakland A's message board yesterday after the Herald reported that the A's are "expected" to sign him after he clears waivers. However, the news today...

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Ode to Bunny

Michele made me go to the doctor on Tuesday after my fingers started growing hoards of little bubbles that, left unchecked, could potentially become self aware. Especially that particularly nasty little cluster on my left index finger. I could feel it thinking...plotting. I hadn't been to the doctor since December 2003 when I came down with a case of walking pneumonia. We reminisced about the good old days for a while, then he scribbled some jibberish onto a piece of paper and sent me on my way. The jibberish was then taken to CVS, where a crack team of pharmacologic graphologists determined that it was in fact a perscription for Prednisone. So...

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Look! It's TV's French Stewart!

All right, webmonkeys. This is the face of poison ivy/oak/sumac/whatever. I don't think it's as bad as Michele was saying, though. Sure, my rugged good looks took a hit, but we're not in Dick Tracy villain territory here. Why is it that tragic deformities or birth defects always translate into a life of crime, anyway? Remember that chewed-up Cooter figure I had? I always used him as a bad guy, and I never gave it a second thought. But think about it. All the cartoons and comics, toys and movies you've ever seen; there always seems to be one constant. Mangled and gross equals evil. Face left horribly scarred by acid? Become a vicious, maniacal...

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I Look Like A Goldfish

Saturday, my mom thought it would be fun if we all went over to my grandmother's house and clean up her garden. Hey, who doesn't enjoy pulling up weeds and cutting down overgrown plants in the blistering heat? I'd love to relive all that family fun time for you, but I can't, because my face is all swollen and I can barely see. Somehow, I managed to get poison...something... all over me. It wasn't posion ivy; there weren't any "leaves of three" in sight. It could have been poison oak or sumac. I don't know what they look like. Anyway, I've got it all over my arms and around my eyes. My lips look normal, but they feel the same way they do when...

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Joey Bag O Donuts Smells Like Egg Nog

Have you ever got a song stuck in your head, but you don't...hey look, a balloon! That was weird. Anyway, I've had this song stuck in my head for the past two days, and it's driving me nuts. It's one of those songs that you'd hear when you're in line at a department store, or waiting at the dentist's office. I don't know what it's called, or who sings it; I don't even know the words. But there's this one part that keeps cycling through my brain, right after the woman sings something that ends with "hold you dear," or "happy dear," the backing vocals say something like, "Smells like egg nog." I know that can't possibly be right, but I have...

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Changed His Name Again, Diddy?

I don't usually write about the news. The way I see it, you can get that stuff anywhere. It would be silly for me to write, "Hey, guys, did you see that scientists have discovered new way to make macaroni and cheese?" and then sit back and wait for the comments to come flooding in. I like to think I offer my readers entertainment value that they just can't find anywhere else. For instance, a few weeks ago, Jose told me the following story: I had a customer ask me, "Do you have Oliver Twist by Winston Churchill?" I thought I heard wrong, so I asked her to repeat it. She said, "Winston Churchill, you know, the same guy who wrote A Christmas Carol." That's...

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I'm J. Peterman

Yesterday I got an email from southofboston.com about the Battle of the Blogs. Guess who won? Well, it wasn't me. It was this one. I still get $250, so at least I'm slightly less broke. So I've got that going fo me, which is nice. Anyway, congratulations to Jolianne Chaffee, and thanks to all the readers from southofboston.com. I hope you enjoyed reading my stuff and decide to keep coming back. I got this really nice comment from someone named Nicole a while back: "This entry has finally compelled me to post a comment. I stumbled upon your site via the Battle of the Blogs and I'm hooked. If you don't win, there is no justice in the world. Anyway-...

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Cooter My Daisy Heads

One of the highlights of five dollar movie night is the music they play before the previews start. Other theaters have Movie Watcher Network, or some other fake radio station, with a smooth-sounding dj to inform you that you've just heard the latest from Brian McKnight. But Hanover does it's own thing. Most of the time, they either play weird jungle music with chanting and parrot noises, or banjo-laced cowboy yodelling. A few times, they've had Musak versions of TV show themes. One night we heard jazzed-up instrumental versions of Cheers, The Cosby Show, Rosanne, Family Ties, and Taxi before the previews started. Another time, they had the...

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Scooter My Daisy Heads

Guess what today is? If you said Monday, you'd be wrong, because it's Friday. See, it says so right up there in the date line. August 5th. Would the date line lie? I think not. And today, the 5th, is my dad's birthday. I can't think of a more heart-felt and cheap gift than to share some dad stories with my closest internet friends and a couple of other people who stumbled onto this site by Googling "d'artagnan cartoon porn." Seriously, people do searches for some freaky stuff to end up here. Once my page came up after someone did a search for "pantsless man and an excited donkey." Yikes. Just...yikes. Anyway, here's a little background information....

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The Experiment

I've been working at this graphic design company since January, 2001, when I started as an intern. That summer, a woman who had been there a few years announced she was moving to Connecticut. Two freelancers were hired on until a suitable replacement could be found. One of them was an older woman who the company had used in the past, but ultimately turned out to be a little slow when it came to computers. To her credit, in her day she was the best damn telegraph operator John D. Rockefeller had in his employ. The other freelancer, the one that ended up with the job, was Joe. Joe seemed to be a perfect fit for the company. He had spent years as production director at his previous company, and had a vast knowledge of the business. And he was pretty friendly, albeit a little on the loud side....

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