The Kindness of Strangers

I saw the light at the end of the hall, and I knew the elevator door was open. I also knew that by the time I got to it, the doors would close and I'd have to wait for it to cycle back down again. Well that's just great. Even though our building is only eight floors, it takes like ten minutes for that elevator to get back to the first floor.

But wait...as I got closer, the light remained. Maybe the person in the elevator heard me open the front door and was holding the elevator for me. As I stepped inside, I saw that there was indeed a man holding the "door open" button. Well that was nice of him. See, I knew there were still some decent people in the world.

We nodded at each other, and he let go of the "door open" button. After a few seconds, he pressed it again. No one else had come into the building. Then he pressed it a couple more times in rapid succession. I looked over and pointed to the "door close" button.

"Oh. thanks."

He wasn't actually being nice. He was just stupid.

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There Be Whales in Heaven

I've never sat through an episode of Star Trek, in any of it's variations. Actually, that's not true, I saw a few episodes of the old cartoon when it was on Nickelodeon in the eighties. I think it was on before Danger Mouse.

I got hooked on Star Wars as a kid, because Return of the Jedi was one of the first movies I ever saw in the theater. I was fascinated by all the different types of creatures up on the screen. Jabba the Hutt, the Gamorrean guards, the Rancor, Yoda...I'd never seen anything like them. And it didn't hurt that each and every character, even if they were on screen for all of .2 seconds, had it's own action figure. Jabba was on my bedsheets, Darth Vader and the Emperor were on my Burger King tie-in glass (which I still use), and 3P0 and R2D2 were on TV, warning of the dangers of smoking. Who knows, if it weren't for that PSA, I could be smoking out of a hole in my neck right now.

But I could never get into Star Trek. I don't know what it is, I guess the notion that all sentient beings in the universe look just like humans with slightly different forehead wrinkles is a little disappointing. It's kind of like how Lewis Black described his trip to New Zealand; after flying 22 hours to get there, the least the people could do is speak a different language. After traveling billions of light years, the least the aliens could do is have an arm growing out of their face or something.

Even though I never watched the show, I have seen most of the movies. The ones with the original cast, anyway. I saw IV and V (the one when they went back to Earth to save the whales and the one where God wants a spaceship) in the theater. I've always felt the strongest connection to Star Trek IV, because it takes place in the present. Having some ties to the present almost makes the audience feel like they're part of the story. That's how I feel, anyway. I was able to get into Farscape because John Crichton is a present-day astronaut that makes Simpsons references. He's easier for to relate to than, say, a fleet captain from hundreds of years in the future.

Anyway, as you must have heard by now, James Doohan, who played the Starship Enterprise's chief engineer "Scotty" on the original series and through seven movies, died on Wednesday. He was 85. Yestarday on WAAF, they played this song by Scotty's former captain as a tribute.

I saw Mr. Doohan in Boston a few years ago. Jose is a comic book fanatic, and I had nothing better to do, so I went with him to this big convention. He was there, signing autographs. But even then it was clear that his Parkinson's was taking over. His hand was too shaky to hold the pen, so he had someone else hold his hand as he signed. I felt so bad for the poor guy.

So today I salute James "Scotty" Doohan. Not just for saying one of my favorite lines from Star Trek IV, ("There be whales here!") but also for being on the shore on D-day as an officer of the Royal Canadian Army, and for having me convinced for years that he played Mr. Belvedere. Here's to you, Scotty.

And here's to me for avoiding any reference to "beaming up."


James Doohan
March 3, 1920-July 20, 2005

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The Best of Random Squeegee

First time here? Or maybe just a frustrated regular waiting for an update? Take some time to check out these tales of blogs past, lovingly separated into categories and given brief descriptions for your convenience. There. That should keep you busy.

Oh, and don't forget to comment on the old stuff. Every time you comment, an angel wins the lottery. Conversely, every time you don't comment, an orphan gets fed to wild dogs. I hope I'm not putting too much stock into the popularity of orphans.

School
Where dreams go to die...
Back in the Day - Tales from the halls of Thomas V. Nash Elementary School.
I Will Call You Betty - Layoffs, dead dogs, and a kid named Al.
Ten Years Gone - Part one of a depressing, two part saga!
Loss - The thrilling conclusion of the depressing, two part saga!
Bummer, Dude - A Nebraskan surfer just wants to fit in. Hilarity ensues.
I Wish Hulk's Love Could Bring You Back Again - Rocky Point's last stand.
Amateur Poetry Corner - A look into teenage John's mind.
One More - How about one more look?
Get Some Skills! - Kinda like Saved By the Bell: The College Years, except it doesn't suck.

Friends
The adventures of the people I hang out with. Have we ever seen a dead body?
Read on to find out!
Spleen Day - Meet Nick, the boy with no spleen.
The Secret of Bare Cove - Two paths diverged in the woods...and one of them might get you skinned alive.
I Fall to Pieces - Finally, I have an old football injury. I am now officially a man.
Hope You're Havin' Fun With the Bean Bag - It's Wah-Kee's birthday! And there's a weird little kid!
Superbowl XXXIX: The Untold Story - The most exciting part was after the game...
The Napkin - Jose gets Punk'd.
Solid Gold! - Wah-Kee throws Nick a bachelor party. Solid Gold.
It's A Nice Day to Start Again - Nick takes a wife.
Pantsless: A Story of Courage and Survival - Jose's left out in the cold.

Family
The adventures of the people I'm related to. Have we ever seen a dead body?
Read on to find out!
Just the Ten of Us - The family takes a trip to Williamsburg.
Extra! Extra! - I help Michele out with her newspaper route.
What's Taters, Eh? - Michele's sister comes to town.
David Alan Grier Screwed My Aunt! - This never would have happened if she went with Bruce Villance...
Word To Your Mother - Happy Mother's Day!
Not Track 5, Not Glenn's Prom Story - My grandmother gives us a scare.
Everything Old is New Again - The Williamsburg trip, as told by my mom.
Taste My Squirrely Wrath! - My grandmother witnesses the true nature of squirrel brutality.
Dr. G. And the Women - Glenn goes to the prom.
Hangin' in a Chow Line - I'm broke and I have to move back home! Isn't that great?
Scooter My Daisy Heads - My dad tries to retell stories. Hilarity ensues.
The Only One That Could Ever Reach Me - Brianna talks about a book she's reading.
Here's the Deal - More drama and a new car.
I'm the Dog Now, Man - Michele is mad.

All Things Joe
Consider my case for world's most annoying co-worker
The Tao of Joe - Part I: Joe-isms.
The Tao of Joe II - Part II: Learn to speak Joe.
Eminem Knows Joe? - Joe's famous gurgle noise gets radio play.
It Looks More Like Aztek to Me - Joe insists on splitting "mine" into two syllables.
Joe Rides Again - Tall tales from the office.
The Experiment - Fun with Joe.
Joe-kus - Joe-themed haikus. You've been warned.

Creepy Evil Thing
It wants my soul!
The Boogieman! - Something tries to kill me in my sleep!
Hypnagogic Hags - Something's still trying to kill me in my sleep!
Phantom Deli Meat - Do ghosts like lunchmeat?
Thanks to janey_13 for sending this article

Movie Reviews
I like to watch.
The Wollaston Beach Horror - Roundabout review of The Amityville Horror.
Whatever Doesn't Kill Me... - I saw Catwoman, and I'm a better person because of it.
Star Wars, Nothing But Star Wars - A Review of Episode III.
Cooter My Daisy Heads - The new Dukes of Hazzard movie was okay, but it could have used a bit more cowbell.

Personal Favorites
Everybody Likes Megan.
I Like Megan - Someone likes Megan. And spraypaint.
Holy Crap! - The Sox won, but who'll be in the inevitable movie?
Killer Hobos - Nate asks for some money.
Hell's Radio - A guy named Jabba tries to slowly drive me insane.
Requiem For Star Dude - Hedie shows my some papers her class wrote. I weep for the future.
I Gotta Have More Cowbell! - I watch some old videos on VH1 classic.
Wait 'Til Next Year - I got snubbed by the Bloggies! What gives?
She's Got it All - What the hell am I looking at?
A Chilling Glimpse Into the Future - John Titor's bleak future in which Paris Hilton destroys the world.
Here Comes the Scuzz - A generic toy's journey to the top of the toybox.
The Morning Thus Far (or, I Just Wanted a Bagel) - My quest for a morning bagel.
Something Stupid This Way Comes - Can't we all just get along?
I'm Back - Who the hell is Rodney?
I Hate the T! - Self-explanitory.
I Still Hate the T! - Still self-explanitory.
I'm J. Peterman - Snubbed again.
Joey Bag O Donuts Smells Like Egg Nog - Bud has donuts.
Coyote. Shaken, Not Stirred - Mooney does it again.
MySpace Your Space, MySpace Your Space - I get a MySpace account. And spam.

Not Necessarily the News
Sometimes stuff happens. And sometimes I write about it.
Yessir, Arafat - Arafat dies, then comes back to live, then dies again.
Another Malfunction - The whole Desperate Housewives debacle.
Hannibal Lector's Chili Cook Off - A woman claims she found a finger in her chili. Oh, and hilarity ensues.
There Be Whales in Heaven - He's dead, Jim.
Changed His Name Again, Diddy? - Puffy gets a new name. Again. Will Nintendo file a lawsuit?
Last Minute Plea - The Crips lose one of there own.

The Headset Affair
I should have just hung up
Hello, Boss! I hate telemarketers.
Sometimes They Come Back - This thing won't die

Giant Floating Heads
Giant floating heads
And Now For Something Completely Different... - A giant floating head just wants to be loved.
Rebuttal - Another giant floating head begs to differ.
Back in the Ring to Take Another Swing - Amazo anwsers a meme.

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Dr. G & the Women

This is Glenn. Back in May, I discovered he's got the ladies all over him. He sheepishly downplays it, but he's gone out with more girls than I ever did. I guess that's not saying much, but...actually, I don't know how to finish that sentence without falling into a deep depression.

Anyway, I've only heard bits and pieces of the story, such as going to the prom with a 15 year old girl he hardly knows, and some possible back-stabbing among friends. And he likes two different girls named Abby. Compelling stuff. After a month or so of constant nagging, I finally got him to talk. So here's his story...

Hey, sorry I took so long. I was out destroying my relationships with women. Which isn't hard at all, because I have no clue what they're thinking. And that's really not fair, because I know a lot of them. But I don't know, maybe it's getting better.

At the beginning of this year, there was this girl I liked a lot, Abby. One of my best friends, Jay, who had been turned into a manslut by his first girlfriend, knew I liked her and asked her out anyway. After about two weeks, he got "tired" of her and dumped her. What a [unpleasant person]. I was trying to get with her and he throws her away, completely shutting her off from dating. Thanks, buddy.

His latest girlfriend, Jenn, has been around for 3 months. At least she was, he recently dumped her, got back together, and dumped her again all within 3 days. None of us know why. But anyway, she set me up with her friend for the prom. Since I was unlucky in finding someone on my own, I accepted. Her name was Mary. She was what we kids would call Emo, which is basically diet Goth. She was pretty cool. What sucked though, was that she's best friends with the only girl I've ever kissed. And what a bad experience that was. She was a full-on Goth, whose mouth tasted like she never brushed, ever. So yeah, my first kiss, wasted on sour milk. Just great. Oh, she was also a 15 year old pill-popper.

Prom was fun. We had a sweet red Chevy limo. We were all going to wear zoot suits, but Brett was the only one that ended up doing it. He actually bought the suit. I had a hat, but that was about it.









Our cool factor significantly decreased when we accidentally drove to the wrong prom. We wanted the building right next to where we were. But we felt better after hearing that most of the other kids did the same thing.

Mary was a vegan, which I had failed to mention to the administration. So she ate bread and nothing else, which I felt sorry about. I felt even worse about putting butter on her bread. I just wanted to see what she would do. Ha, she flipped.

Mary would disappear for random intervals, so I sat out on some dances. When I heard some of the popular girls call Abby a slut at the dance, I stood up for her. Nothing too drastic, because I didn't want to face their jock meat slab boyfriends.

The rest of the night was fun. Post prom was good too. it would've been better if it wasn't Western themed though. How did that win? I personally chose the jungle theme. That would've been interesting. When post prom got out at around 5 in the morning, we all headed to my place for breakfast, then hours of sleep. When I awoke, Mary's mother had picked her up, and left a bowl of eggs for me. Strange, but practical. Everyone loves eggs...well, except Mary, but whatever.

I still keep in touch with all of them. There was some interesting stuff with Jenn a while back. It appeared she asked me if I liked her. But I guess it was one of her friends from work. And at one point, I think it was Jay. He had been using her AIM to see who she was talking to. Obsess much? He also monitored her cell phone, and deleted all my comments to her on her myspace. But his was saved on mine, so I just deleted his stuff.

I've done a few things with Abby too. Her, some friends and I went cosmic bowling, which was awesome. The strobe light only turned on when she was up, which pissed her off. At some point during the night, I spilt my drink on her shirt. I was jokingly doing it, but it actually came out. I have no coordination. So she scooped up ice and rubbed it down my back and chest. Then her, my friend Brett and I went to my place and watched Anger Management.

As we reached my house, I kind of fell out of her car. I thought she would stop, she didn't think I would fall. It didn't go well. But during the movie, she ripped the "do not remove" tag from a pillow Jenn had left over, and these little beads spilled everywhere. God, they stuck to everything. Brett was rolling around in them like an idiot. But give him a break, it was 2 in the morning. Around 3, they both left.

The following day, I asked Abby if she wanted to go out. She said no. But here's the strange thing, we went to see Dane Cook at the South Shore Music Circus, then I bought her dinner. Now, wouldn't that be considered a date to most people? Dinner and a show? Anyway, the show was great, and we ate at Wendy's. That was her idea, I had $80, we could've gone anywhere. After "dinner", we drove through Hull. She gave me a pseudo-tour of the town. When we got to the ocean, we stopped and looked at the reflection of the moon on the water. Come on, how is that not a date?! Maybe she just didn't want to call it that, because of what happened before. Everyone says we would be good together, even she did. So, I don't know.

My friend Jon has a girlfriend we all despise. Funny sidenote: he dated the sour milk girl I kissed, who originally was stalking Jay. That's how I met her, he threw her at me. Isn't he a great friend? His current girlfriend, Diane had a party, which wasn't that good. However, there were a lot of girls there, sucking on phallus-shaped lollipops. So that was cool. Brett and Jay were there too, and two of the girls were really flirty, but didn't want to cheat on their boyfriends. I forget how, but we wound up watching them make out in the back of Brett's car. Before you think we're sickos, it was their idea. Since then, I've actually become friends with one of the girls. And she's even trying to set me up with one of her friends. Sweet deal.

There was another girl I liked, also named Abby. She was cool. She drove me home a lot. Sometimes she'd buy me a coffee from Marylou's. It was the only coffee I've ever had to this day. But I stopped hanging around her because her boyfriend always gave me the worst stares. And he knows karate. She entered my life in a time of slight depression, which is why she meant so much to me. If she didn't have a boyfriend every time I would've told her. But I think she knew. Her sister's friend knew right away.

After graduation, things changed a little. The first Abby's been busy lately, and, the girl (from the car)'s friend is going to go out with me. Some other friends are going too, to make things more comfortable. Let's see how this goes...

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Taste My Squirrely Wrath!

Whenever my friends get together, it's usually at Nicks house. Dating back to high school when his old house was right next to the school, it's sort of been our unofficial headquarters. We all hung out at my house a couple of times, but it never really took as a hangout spot.

That all changed the day I moved out and my brother Glenn took over my old room (with most of my stuff still in there.) Now there's like five kids crammed in there at any given time. They bring their girlfriends. They stay the night. My old room is now the place to be.

The other day, a bunch of his friends came over. Somehow, my grandmother made her way into the middle of the pack, and they all came in together. Since the 18-year-olds towered over her, she pretty much got in the house undetected, until she spoke up.

"Oh, you have a lot of company."

My brother and his friends disappeared into his room for 36 hours, while my grandmother shuffled over to couch and sat down to talk to my mom. She was very distraught.

"Well, I was outside feeding a little bird, and a squirrel came over and ate it right up. It didn't leave anything, not even the legs."

My dad, who was bringing my mom a glass of milk, did everything he could to stifle his laughter so he wouldn't spill the milk all over the place.

"A squirrel ate the bird?"

"Yes. It ate the whole thing right in front of me. There was nothing left."

"Are you sure it didn't just fly away?"

"Deb, I was standing right there, the squirrel ate the bird."

"Squirrels don't eat birds."

"I'm telling you, this squirrel ate the bird. Legs and all."

My parents said they couldn't stop laughing about the thought of killer squirrels. My dad said he saw a gray cat later in the day, and that's probably what she saw. Personally, I think she was throwing bread at a pile of leaves the whole time, like Mr. Magoo.

If you're here from SouthofBoston.com, welcome! Be sure to check out the archives. I planned on adding a "Best of" section over the weekend, but something shiny distracted me and I forgot. For everyone else, I'm one of ten finalists in SouthofBoston's Battle of the Blogs. Starting today, they have a link to my blog so people can check out all the finalists. The judges will be looking at the comments, so ...I don't know...be profound.

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