I Can't Find My Camouflage Shirt

I just got back from au bon pain. I resisted going there for the longest time, ever since that time I tried to order a bagel. But now that I've cracked their complicated ordering system, it's not so bad. On the way out the door, I grabbed a plastic knife to spread the cream cheese with. But I've looked all around my desk and I can't find it anywhere. It's made of clear plastic, so it may as well be invisible. I know I put it in the bag. Or maybe my pocket. I know it's not in my jacket, because it was warm today and I didn't bring it. Where's my stupid knife?! Why can't I ever just eat a bagel without some kind of drama? But that's not...

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Coyote. Shaken, Not Stirred.

This morning on the way to the train, I saw a dead coyote on the side of the road. My parents said they can hear them howling at night, but this was really the first time I'd actually seen one. Maybe. When I was in college, there was a semester where one day I only had a morning class, so I'd spend the afternoon sitting around the house. Everyone else was either at work or school, so I could basically do anything I wanted. And what I wanted was to watch old sitcoms on USA. One day, during a commercial break for The John Larroquette Show, I got up to get a drink and saw something outside. I went over to the window to get a closer look. At the...

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Hello, Boss!

As if I needed another reason to dump a sack of scorpions in Joe's bed. Whenever we get unsolicited sales calls at work, we put them on hold for a few minutes, then tell them whoever they're looking for stepped away from their desk. That's what we're supposed to do, anyway. Last week, Joe said "Halo Direct" is on the line for me. I'd never heard of Halo Direct, but I knew they were either trying to sell me an Xbox or ask me if I've accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into my life. So I took the call, found out it was actually Hello Direct and they sell wireless headsets for phones. I told the guy that the person in charge of making those decisions...

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What Have We Learned?

I think we leared a lot yesterday. We learned that you can find just about anything on the internet. We learned that the guy that cuts off his legs every night for a living was not some childhood hallucination, but magician Rudy Coby, and that he even had his own comic book. Who knew? I think the lesson here is that just because someone remembers something that no one else does, it doesn't mean they imagined it. It just means they watched an obscene amount of television when they were growing up. Anyone remember D.C. Follies, with Fred Willard and a bunch of terrifying Kroftt puppet versions of late eighties media and political figures? There's...

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Get A Leg Up On The Pile

Okay, kids, I've got an assignment for you. Back in the late eighties, there was this guy in a lab coat and green pants. Not regular green, but that bluish Miami Vice green that was all over the place back then. Anyway, this guy had four legs, and he would go up on stage and proceed to cut off his appendages with a chainsaw, one by one, while The Peter Gunn Theme plays in the background. I would think it would be pretty hard to forget something that monumentally weird, but when I brought it up with my friends a few weeks ago, they all looked at me like I had mayonnaise bleeding out of my eyes. I should have been the one with the blank look...

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Kitchen Math

4 caramel cubes+ 60 seconds in the microwave = a burnt clump of caramel, lots of smoke and everyone yelling at me. ...

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The Original Blue Man Group

I was reading the Metro this morning and on the top of page six were the words "UNICEF BOMBS SMURF VILLAGE," accompanied by a comically apocalyptic image. At first I thought one of the interns over there slipped it in as a joke. Nope. UNICEF BOMBS SMURF VILLAGE Out of an idyllic blue sky dotted with birds and butterflies come warplanes that carpet bomb the Smurfs' forest village, killing Smurfette and leaving Baby Smurf wailing in distress. The scene from a commercial featuring the cartoon characters is part of a UNICEF ad campaign on Belgian television meant to highlight the plight of ex-child soldiers in Africa. The 20-second clip is...

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What Happened?

I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been around lately. I guess that means I should take a moment to dispel some of the rumors I just made up about my whereabouts. So I'd like to go on record as saying the following: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a fugitive on the run from the Malaysian government. I did not die as the result of mixing Pop Rocks with Coca-Cola. I did not film a grainy, night-vision sex tape with former Attorney General Janet Reno entitled "One Night in Reno." I have not given up my highfalutin office job for a more hands-on career at the hobo factory. I was not called upon by supernatural forces to reluctantly...

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