What's Taters, Eh?

I'll be 26 in a couple of months, and I just now realized that the first letters of July through November spell "Jason." How could I have lived this long and never noticed that? JFMAMJJASOND. See? Jason. Or, if you add December, Jason D. Could there be some secret behind this? Who is Jason D.? I suspect that Jason D. is "the Man" that's always holding everyone down. He's around for half the year and most people don't even notice him. Something must be done about this. Jason D. must be stopped. But in the meantime, let's talk about the weekend. Michele's sister came to visit for a few days. And I have to say, Michele is a lot more fun when her sister visits than when her aunt comes for her monthly stay. Anyway, Misty's cool. She's a couple of years older than me, and it depressed Michele...

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Extra! Extra!

Did you know that day care is expensive? IT'S TRUE!! To cover the cost, Michele recently decided to get up at three o'clock in the morning every day and deliver newspapers. I do my part by adding unobtrusive banner ads that no one ever clicks on to my website. I do what I can. Did I feel guilty about curling up in my warm, fuzzy blankets while she drudged around in the freezing cold? Of course. But I had another, more powerful feeling, too. One that clearly states that nothing short of a fire warrants getting out of bed at three in the damn morning. And yet, for the past two days, I did get out of bed at three in the damn morning. Michele twisted her ankle while delivering the papers Wednesday morning, so I've been helping her. I delivered the Patriot Ledger when I was a kid, but it was...

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Some Days You Just Can't Get Rid of a Pizza

If you've been following along, you already know about the late Old Pantsless Guy. Just to recap, he was an old man that used to loiter outside the 7-11 near our old office. He could always be seen wearing his tattered blue trench coat and hat, and seemingly nothing else. He was just one of the menagerie of oddballs that populate our fair city. But more specifically, OPG was one of the Scary Old Men, a troika of scrawny old white guys that roamed the South End. Aside from him, the Scary Old Men consisted of the cross-dressing security guard, and a really skinny guy with a bushy beard. There's a line in Fight Club that goes "Chloe looked the...

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The Morning Thus Far (or, I Just Wanted a Bagel)

I heard the following exchange on the train this morning: "I ran into Bruce the other day." "Bruce that taught at Harvard?" "Yeah, he's driving a cab now." This happened just as I was getting off at my stop, so I never heard how Bruce went from an Ivy League professor to a cabbie. The mind boggles at the possibilities. And how exactly did this guy find out about Bruce's new job? Maybe they bumped into each other at the supermarket... "Hmmm...Gold Bond Medicated Powder, half off." "Bruce? Bruce is that you? It's me, Dave. You know, from Steve's thing." "Right, Dave. From Steve's thing. So, how have you been, man?" "Doin' good, doin' good. How about you? Still teaching up there at Harvard?" "Oh, no. I gave that up a while ago. I drive cabs now." "Really?" "Yeah. It's been a dream...

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Here Come the Scuzz

I grew up in the eighties and I never owned a GI Joe. Or a He-Man. Unless you churn butter and shun technology all day, that's unnatural. I did have this guy that kind of looked like He-Man, but not really. He came from a flea market. He had Roman Centurion armor and some kind of robot horse. The horse was pretty cool, so that got to hang out with all the cool toys in the Styrofoam fortress, while it's no-name rider in the chain-mail skirt was condemned to patrol the bottom of the toy box for all eternity. In retrospect, I'll bet he had some harrowing adventures down there, battling all those nasty centipedes I'd always find when I had to dig...

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Burning Questions

I just saw a website where someone wrote "Lorena Bobbit was the woman from Long Island who cut off Joey Buttafucco's [joystick] because he had an affair with Amy Fisher. Just so people know." Fortunately, I was able to stave off the aneurysm usually associated with such sentences. But it did get me thinking. There are people who are famous because they have talent. Actors, athletes, musicians. And then there's the Joey Buttafuccos and Monica Lewinskys and Kato Kaelins of the world. They show up at movie premieres, sign endorsement deals and get their own TV shows. They're more than famous. Like El Guapo, they are infamous. And it seems like many people don't know the difference. Then there's the reality TV "stars". Enough already. Hasn't this horse been beaten enough yet? It's not even a...

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It Looks More Like Aztek to Me

Some people just need to be beat with a trout. People who think the word "mine" has two syllables, for example. People like a certain co-worker of mine, who also like to pronounce kindergarten as "kindy-garden". He treats the English language like it's Robin Givens and he's Mike Tyson. Conversations with Joe quickly turn into an Abbott and Costello routine. "Is this yours or mi-yan?" It's mine. "Oh, okay. Here you go." No, it's not mine. It's yours. "But you just said it wasn't mi-yan." It's MINE, you freaking clod! "Then take it." No, it's yours. "So it is mi-yan?" I'LL KILL YOU...

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A Chilling Glimpse Into The Future

I know it's hard to believe, but the End Times are near. I've been in contact with someone, I can't say who, but for two dollars the first minute, 69 cents each additional minute, they let me in on the chilling events of the weeks and months to come. Here is some of what they saw. CBS announcer: You're watching CBS, America's most watched network, and home of America's most watched new drama, CSI: Milwaukee. Wednesday on an all new CSI: Milwaukee, Det. Squigman uncovers a violent murder at the old Shotz Brewery. Now stay tuned for America's most watched reality show, Up Close and Personal. CBS. Most watched! America's! Jeff Probst: Welcome back to the four-hour wrap-up addition of Up Close and Personal. As you all know, our three contestants knew going in that they would be living in a confined...

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Super Bowl XXXIX: The Untold Story

Somebody call John Forsythe, we've got a dynasty on our hands. I'm sure you've heard all the stories by now. While Donovan McNabb is crying in his soup over poor clock management, the New England Patriots are celebrating their third Super Bowl victory in four years and are 9-0 in the post season. And let me be the one billionth person to remind you they did all this in an age of parity and free agency. Bill Belichick now has a better post season record than Vince Lombardi, although if you mention it to him he'll instantly change the subject and possibly have you killed. Adam Vinatieri kicked yet another game winning field goal, although this...

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She's Got it All

A few years ago, one of the guys at work got me to sign up for a figure drawing class. Another guy that used to work with him signed up as well. Eight or nine people showed up for the first class, and we all gathered around and set our easels up in a circle. The instructor introduced herself as the model got undressed. We were supposed to be doing quick studies the first class, which means we could only spend two or three minutes on each sketch. And I have to give the model credit; she had a different pose each time. At one point, she was actually doing a handstand with her back up against the wall. I know there are people who are into some crazy...

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Old Pantsless Guy and Tricycle Man

Huuuuh! Huuuuh! Huuuuuuuuuh! It was a familiar sound for two and a half years. Every day, a guy would pedal his big red tricycle down Newbury Street, yelling "Huuuuh!" all the way. I had not seen him since I graduated, but I was coming out of CVS yesterday and I heard his signature grunting. I stepped aside as his tricycle, adorned with a long flag pole and a Red Sox logo on the back, churned past me. Tricycle man. He's still going after all this years. Good for him. I've certainly seen stranger things. There used to be an old man that would loiter outside the 7-11 on the corner. He'd stand there with his scruffy beard and his cane, wearing...

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