Can't Sleep. Clowns Will Eat Me

Pop quiz, hot shot: What is Coulrophobia? A. An irrational fear of colors B. An irrational fear crazy-as-a-bedbug anorexic shemale Ann Coulter C. An irrational fear of clowns D. A new fragrance from Calvin Klein If you said an irrational fear of clowns, you're wrong! There's no such thing as an irrational fear of clowns, because clowns are inherently evil. Some of them are even really giant killer spiders. Pennywise the dancing clown. The Joker. That little fat guy from Spawn. Killer Klowns from Outer Space. The new Ronald McDonald (he's not like the one they had when I was growing up, this new guy is...creepy.) Sure, you could say those...

Read more »

Wait Till Next Year

On the Blogger home page there was an article about the Bloggies. No, not those milk creatures that used to torment Cap'n Crunch. The Bloggies are awards for weblogs. Aside from the heeps of prestige that comes with such an honor, winners also recieve $20.05. With a crisp new twenty in my money clip, the ladies would surely be all up ons. And if they weren't, I could use the nickel to hypnotize them. But it's not to be. Mostly because my swinging single days are over. Okay, they were really more like my hiding in the shadows while I mope and lament about my string of painfully unrequited infatuations days. But more importantly, the nominations have already been announced. From Saturday, January 1, through Monday, January 10, anyone was able to nominate their favorite weblogs. That would...

Read more »

Bummer, Dude

What better time than in the middle of a huge freaking snowstorm than to forget about what's going on outside the window and reminisce about the good old days? Or the old days, anyway. Today, let's look back at sophomore year of high school. Ah, 1995. The Year of the Dancing Itos. It was my first year of high school, even though I was a sophomore. The way I understand it, there wasn't enough room for all the students, so they shipped the freshman off to the junior high. It was my first year in the graphic arts program. I didn't know it at the time, but it turned out that by taking vocational classes, my junior high friends had no choice but...

Read more »

Phantom Deli Meat

A few weeks ago I found out that the soul-hungry phantasm residing in my bedroom was nothing more than a symptom of sleep paralasis. OR WAS IT?! Yeah, it probably was, but some questions remain unanswered. Saturday we invited my family over for dinner. I put their coats in the bedroom. When it was time for them to go home, I went into the room to get the coats and...the whole room smelled like meat.Uncooked meat. What smells like meat in here? I held each coat up to my nose, trying to find the source of the meaty stench. It wasn't coming from any of the coats, although Glenn's had that musty basement smell. What the hell smelled like meat? The room didn't smell like that earlier. So I just went around, smelling everyone and everything. I couldn't find where it was coming from. I checked...

Read more »

Christmas All Over Again

One of these days, I'm going to get a decent digital camera, but unless a sack of money falls out of the sky, I won't be getting one anytime soon. Until then, the good people at CVS are there for all my picture-developing needs. I just got some film developed the other day. So here for your enjoyment, I present Christmas...again...for the first time. Okay, so this is the view from my new office, overlooking Newbury Street. We finally moved there in mid-December. I share an office with another guy, but we have the biggest office and it has the best view. Joe has his own office around the corner. Here is a Christmas tree in Downtown Crossing,...

Read more »

I Gotta Have More Cowbell!

So I'm flipping through the channels and I come to VH1 Classic. Lynn Hoffman, formerly of Boston's MIX 98.5 is hosting the Request Hour. How about that. The first video is Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear the Reaper. It's a live version. It sounds...different. Why? No cowbell. None. That's just not right. Guess what, I've got a fever...and the only prescription...is more cowbell! Press play to watch the SNL Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult skit The second video is Robert Plant with Queen doing Crazy Little Thing Called Love at the Freddy Mercury Tribute concert. Plant does a good enough job, I guess, but he's wearing this blue blousy thing....

Read more »

Burn Out

And now an ode to Bill Belichick... a hooded sweatshirt pacing the sidelines all day does he ever smile? What? I'm supposed to write 500 words every time? See you Wednesd...

Read more »

Requiem for Star Dude

You know what really cheeses me off? When you're reading something, usually a newspaper or magazine article, and the writer uses phrases like "call it..." or "file under..." Not only does it sound trite, but it's telling you what to do. Who do these people think they are? If I'm reading a story about a cat that tore up a room full of furniture, I am not going to call it a "CAT-astrophe." It's not going to happen. Nor will I file it under "bad kitty." I'm just not that organized. I guess they're trying to be...ugh...cute. But really all they're doing is ordering people to go along with their puns and lame jokes. Forget bad writing, that's just rude. File under: Learn to write. On the subject of bad writing, I've seen some of the worst imaginable at Nick's house. Hedie teaches fifth and eighth...

Read more »

Hypnagogic Hags

Every Tuesday night, the movies at the theater behind the Hanover Mall are only five dollars. There's a revolving cast of regulars that show up each week as part of our Tuesday Night Movie crew. Sometimes there's only four. Sometimes there's twelve. I hadn't gone in a long time, but last night marked my triumphant return. The movie this week was White Noise. The general consensus after the movie ranged everywhere from "it was okay" to "I hated it." I was a little creeped out going into the movie, since I'd been to a few websites about EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomena) before I ever even heard of the movie, and also I'm giant chicken. The movie...

Read more »

1280 x 854

Happy tenth day of 2005! Okay, so I'm a little late. But that's going to change. No, really. This year's resolution will be to update the site more often. Like once a week. Or bi-weekly. I'm pretty sure that means twice a week and not once every two weeks. What do you think? Should there be weekly features, like on Tuesdays I complain about stuff, or Wednesday I talk about stuff that happened when I was eight? I don't know. Maybe there should be a mascot, like Professor Phosphorescent or Gasbot. Anyway, we were at Nick's house yesterday watching Denver forget they were in the playoffs. After that, we decided to watch a movie. Deciding on...

Read more »