Hell's Radio

Where do bad folks go when they die? No one knows for sure, but I'll bet they play America's top 40 there. All day, every day. Somewhere in the depths of the sulfuric abyss, the wretched souls of the damned are forced to endure the pre-recorded bleeting Ashlee Simpson for all eternity. And what cruel fate awaits the worst specimens humanity has to offer? An eternal loop of Move Ya Body by Nina Sky and a guy who calls himself Jabba. I've heard this song more times in the past few months than any human being deserves to. Sure, they mix it in with a bunch of other terrible songs to ensure that no part of your spirit remains uncrushed, but this...

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I Fall to Pieces

Quick story: When I was in second grade, I went to at a friend's house. He had this steep hill in his back yard. We started to walk down, but I slipped on a rock. I started to roll down the hill and didn't stop until I hit a tree. When I sat up, I noticed my pants were ripped and my leg was bleeding. I started to freak out. My leg! My leg! My mom came and got me and we went to the hospital. The whole time I kept screaming "My leg! My leg!" The doctor looked me over. It seemed I had a small concussion and my left arm was broken in three places. There was nothing wrong with my leg. Other than that I had a pretty good track record when it...

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Another Malfunction

This morning on ESPN.com I saw yet another article about the Desperate Housewives promo on Monday Night Football. The FCC is going to decide whether or not to fine ABC for airing it. If you're like me and you live with your girlfriend and only have one TV, you probably weren't watching football Monday night. But according to the article, the skit went like this: Nicollette Sheridan is standing in the locker room with Terrell Owens, who I will never refer to as "TO" I just can't. Shorthand bugs me. It sounds like you're trying too hard to be cool. Like "lol." In all my time online, I have never written "lol." Damn, I just did. Twice. Well, except for just now, I never did. Anyway, she's standing there wearing only a towel and asking Owens to skip the game. She drops the towel and jumps into...

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Killer Hobos!

Last night I didn't get out of work until 7:30. And since the sun sets a little after noon these days, it was pretty dark when I started walking to the station. Along the way I was stopped by a guy who smelled like he was basted in Jack Daniels. He stood in front of me so I couldn't move. "Hi. How are you doin'? I'm Nate. And first of all, I'm Nate." He said, grabbing my hand giving it an au pair shake. He actually told me his last name too, but I forgot it. Which is kind of pathetic, since he told me twice. At this point I had my hands in my pockets searching for change to make the smelly road block go away. "I need you to do something for me. I just got out of Walpole prison and I...blah blah balh" Prison? Great. There was a bunch of people around, so at least I was fairly certain he...

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Yessir, Arafat

The headline on my internet browser is "Arafat's Condition Deteriorates Rapidly." Well, an hour ago it said he was dead, so I'd say his condition is improving. Unless he's so dead that he's actually starting to decompose, like when that guy drank from the wrong grail. He chose...poorly. Now it says he's dead again. Hold on, no...it's back to deteriorating. Geez, what's going on over there? All I can picture is a bunch of people huddled over this guy's bed, and he keeps sitting up, then falling back down. Then they start to walk away and he sits back up again. "Rrrrr! Must...kill...Jews!" Then drops dead again. Like Jason or Freddy. Speaking...

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Same as the Old Boss

Last week, Johnny Damon and a group of self-professed "idiots" won the World Series. Tuesday, the trend of idiots winning continued with the re-election of George W. Bush. For a while now I had wondered who could have lived in this country for the past four years and said, "Hey, let's do that again!" Well, apparently the answer is: Just over half the country. Today, people all across America are cheering, "Hooray! Now things will change, because Bush is president again! Wait. Fuck, we're idiots." I'm still trying to figure out the hypnotic grip this guy has on people. On the plus side, he did get Saddam Hussein, but...we were after Osama Bin Laden. Remember that guy? It's like asking for a puppy for Christmas and getting a goldfish. I'm not saying capturing Saddam Hussein wasn't a good...

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