I Will Call You Betty

My grandfather built my parents' house in 1977, and they moved in that November. Their neighbor was an old man named Buster. The following summer, Buster went on vacation. Except he never went. The paper boy found him. He had been dead a few days. When the new owners, the Howleys, found out that someone died there, Mrs. Howley had a priest bless the house. The Howleys and my parents got along when I was a kid, but then something happened. I don't know what, exactly. I think it has something to do with a crab apple tree and/or their cat. Regardless of the reason, the Howleys disdain for my family grew so large that they eventually built a house...

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Holy Crap!

This morning I passed by Sacred Heart church in Quincy and either Johnny Damon was standing in the garden or someone put a Red Sox jersey on the Jesus statue. Normally, I would have thought that was strange, but not after the past week and a half. In case you were trapped in a mine shaft for the past two weeks, let me recap for you: The Boston Red Sox won the World Series. They not only won, they swept the team with the best record in baseball. Oh yeah, and they came back from a 0-3 deficit in a best-of-seven series against the Yankees, becoming not only the first baseball team to win a seven game series after being down 3-0, but the first team...

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I Am Not A Crook

I went to the pizza place down the street for lunch. I had no cash on me, so I hit the ATM first and took out $40. Then I went in and ordered a couple of slices, which came to $3. When I got back to the office, I noticed they only gave me $7 back. So I went back and told the guy he owes me ten dollars. He immediately said that I gave him $10, not twenty. He was "more than 100% sure," he said. He asked if I was sure I gave him a twenty. And while I didn't actually look at it, I only had two bills on me, which came from the ATM. The ATM, like 99% of the ATMs around here, only dispense in multiples of twenty. I had a reciept showing I took out $40. So unless the ATM somehow got a ten stuck in their with all those twenties, I gave him a twenty. He did finally give it to me, but really fought...

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The Elephant in the Room

We never talk about it. We dance around it. We avoid any mention of it. We have an unspoken agreement to take precautions so it never becomes an issue. I hide my Bushisms calander. When her parents were visiting, she asked them not to keep the TV on Fox News. I turn off the TV just before the Daily Show comes on. I've actually caught myself cutting off my grandmother before she could finish her critque of Bush. These are the little sacrifices you make in a bipartisan relationship. It can be hard sometimes. But it beats talking about it. Way too many bad things could happen. Yes, like in some bad sitcom, I'm liberal and she's conservative. And the one thing I'm conservative on is the one thing she's liberal on. So we are basically complete opposites, at least politically. How wacky! Sometimes...

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Eminem Knows Joe?

First off, I should be in a brand new office right now. I should be sitting in a sun-drenched room in front of a desk I put together myself. Best of all, Joe would have been in another room. Everything was set in place. My employers sold our office, which consists of two condos they've occupied for over 20 years, and bought a 4-floor place on a secluded street to escape the hassels of condo life and the monthly fire-alarm tests and plumbing problems that go with it. We printed up postcards to send to all our clients to let them know we were moving. And, as if by some cosmic joke, a woman who recently started working for one of our vendors happened to live on the tiny street we were moving to. And she found fault with us moving in there, because the street is not zoned for business. My bosses...

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